Inspiring Authors: J. Michael Straczynski

Every once in a while, I look over my writing style, and I look at what I've taken away from the authors I've been exposed to.



The first, and most important writing influence is someone named J. Michael Straczynski (JMS).



JMS, who I have mentioned once or twice, was an executive producer on Murder, She wrote, created Babylon 5, and writes almost anything else he can get his hands on. He's written comics, TV, novels, science fiction, battling demons....

Just look him up on amazon, buy everything except for “Rising Stars” and “Supreme Power.”



I'm not joking. Go now.



If you saw Thor -- and who didn't? You didn't? Go see it. I'll wait..... Back now? You liked it? Good. -- JMS had a cameo in the film as the first fellow to find Thor's hammer, and organized that big sequence with trying to drag out the hammer with a truck.



There is Tribulations, a book about demonic possession in modern LA. Surprisingly well put together and very religious ... And he's an atheist. So, he at least knows how to appreciate religion, even if it's only for use as fantasy fodder.

I first experienced the writing of JMS a very long time ago, before I even knew who the man was. Originally an author for television, he worked his way up from cartoons and into prime time. He penned the only episode of The Real Ghostbusters that I can remember.  Twenty years after the original airing of Murder, She Wrote, all of the episodes I knew off the top of my head happened to be written by him (if you remember an episode in the Psycho house, that would be Joe).

I first became aware of Joe Straczynski with his television show Babylon 5; at the time, it seemed to be a rip-off of a Star Trek program that had just come on called Deep Space 9. Then odd things started happening. To start with, the show had character. The characters on the show had personalities. They had backgrounds. They had character flaws. When there was fighting, there were actual military tactics, and the science fiction .... had science.

If you are not a follower of science fiction, you may not be aware of this, but to find military tactics in most science fiction filmed media is almost as rare as finding science in a Star Trek film. As mentioned during our week of Infinite Space, Infinite God II, most sci-fi will resort to technobabble before using actual science. Babylon 5 is the first science fiction television show that ever explained how their artificial gravity worked.

With military tactics -- how much in the way of tactics did anyone see in Star Wars or Star Trek that did not amount to "Watch two armies. See them ram into each other. See them ignore that space is three dimensional."

With Babylon 5, NASA has asked permission to use some of their designs, because they can't come up with better ideas.  If you ever hear about a NASA space construction craft called a "Star Fury," it's because JMS allowed them to use it on the condition that it shared the name it had on the tv show....

Constant readers of this blog will see the fingerprints of JMS all over it. The most popular blog post Disasters to Marvel At was made possible by Joe Straczynski. After Babylon 5, JMS went on to writing comic books; in particular, Amazing Spider Man (ASM). Being a fan of Straczynski's, I followed. It was the first time I had picked up a comic book in about five years. At least.

And it was a gloriously enjoyable run. If you ever saw an issue of ASM that involved Spider-Man dealing with the 9-11 attacks, that was JMS' doing. It was a throwaway issue in a grand story arc that had Peter Parker questioning his own origins, pondering whether or not he was part of a larger plan, and finding himself embroiled more and more with supernatural problems. The solutions became more cerebral and scientific than requiring an ability to pound someone into dust.

Also, in pure JMS fashion, he took the marriage of Peter Parker and made it work -- after all, Straczynski's strong suit is having two people interact with each other. And it's nothing like having a reconciliation in the middle of a super-powered smackdown at Denver airport.

And then there was the surprisingly epic ASM 500, where JMS managed to condense the entire 500 isues before into one, simple question.

Which is why I was somewhat enraged when editorial mandate came down from a clear blue sky and decreed that every Marvel comic would be dragooned into the Event of the Week. The story arc for Straczynski's Spider-Man run was stomped on by the far inferior Civil War. And, while I liked what JMS managed to do with it, despite editorial mandate (it was the only part of the Civil War I remotely enjoyed), and he managed to make the follow-up Back in Black, a fun read, at the end of the day, management came down and destroyed, literally, every achievement JMS wrote over the course of his six-year run.

When I saw JMS at New York Comic Con, he had a running phrase: "Joe, you suck." He even had the audience repeat it back to him.  However, between the links above, there's a reason why I think it should be "Joe (Quesada), you suck."

JMS would also take over duties on Thor, where he placed the Norse deity in the middle of New Mexico (Thor movie fans, sound familiar?)

After Marvel and he had a falling out, he went direct to DC. He did some spectacular Team-ups of the Brave and the Bold, tried to work on a new arc for Wonder Woman, and even a Superman arc called Grounded. Right now, he's heading the bestseller list with his graphic novel Superman: Earth One.  If Warner Brothers is smart, they'll reboot the Superman movie franchise with Earth one as a model.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM JMS.

I learned how to write people. Taking a cue from Rod Serling, JMS knew how to make a conversation be dramatic with just two people in a room, no ticking bomb required. He knew how to work dynamics with different characters for different results. He even went so far to lock two people in a room together, he literally trapped two characters in an elevator.

If you wondered why my short story One Way to Stay out of Jail consisted mostly of two people in a room just talking to each other, you can probably guess. It's the joy of having characters (some of whom are deeply flawed) interacting with each other.

Another thing I got from JMS -- how to take cliche's and turn them inside out.

For example...

Situation: Two people who hate each other are trapped in an elevator; fires are burning outside. If they don't work together, they will die.
Hollywood standard procedure: The trapped duo will overcome their grievances in order to stay alive.
JMS: One character says to another "I'm not going to help. This way, I can watch you die and I won't be prosecuted."

It's fun.

In A Pius Man, there is a reason that the book has plenty of deep, in-depth conversations between people who have some obvious flaws .... although a lot of it revolves around Sean Ryan, who is, himself, really weird.

Further Reading.

Other works by JMS include.

Demon Night (I haven't read it yet, but it should be fun)



Othersyde: Another book I loved. High school, meet demonology 101.

Two high school nerds, "losers," tormented and tortured on a routine basis, buy curiosities -- two telegraph signal senders.



And then, the devices start tapping out Morse code on their own.



It was elegantly written, and even made the angst of high school tolerable. And, no, there is no Twilight level, whiny-angsty BS. I would take a power drill to my head before I even read anything remotely like it, to heck with recommending it.

Book of Lost Souls: A late, lamented comic book series JMS wrote while at Marvel. While there were only five issues of this run, I think it has a good, solid story arc. that reads well even though Marvel pulled the plug on it early on.

 

Straczynski Unplugged: A collection of short stories, mostly novelized versions of screenplays JMS did for The New Twilight Zone back in the 80s. I can only assume these few were all he did, otherwise the show would have done much, much better.



These were all awesome.  I suggest clicking on the link and buying the book, rather than trying to find the episodes on youtube.



Trust me on this. 

Under the heading of both "touching" and "I never saw this coming," was Silver Surfer: Requiem. The premise: the Silver Surfer originally made a devil's bargain to save his home planet, becoming the Surfer, herald to a planet-eating being called Galactus. Years later, the Silver Surfer's own body is turning against him. Everything that makes him the Surfer is breaking down. The story arc is broken down into four parts. Benedictus, Sanctus, Kyrie, and Agnus Dei. All parts of the funeral mass.

Let's put it this way: I never liked Silver Surfer, and this brought me to tears ... yes, I'm a nerd.

Bullet Points: Another Marvel project. A simple "What if?"



What if the assassin who killed Captain America's creator completed his task 24 hours earlier, and, at the same time, killing one of the bodyguards, a Ben Parker, what would the world look like?



The only thing that I've read that compares to it in comics is the ASM 9-11 issue ... also by JMS.

-- Okay, this was pure, unadulterated awesome. An LA cop finds himself caught in the crossfire between Heaven and Hell, and loses his soul, becoming one of the lost people of the Midnight Nation.



In order to get his soul back, he has to cross all of America to New York City to face the Devil himself.Midnight Nation

Squadron Supreme and Rising Stars -- the only works I can honestly not endorse. Even JMS has complaints about Squadron Supreme.

Update: Sorry, I'm from New York, the Midwest, unfortunately, does look alike to me -- New Mexico or Oklahoma. Especially since the artwork in the JMS Thor comic and the images in the Thor movie looked the same to me. I suspect Kenneth Branaugh looked at the comic and said "This doesn't match Oklahoma, where does it match? Nex Mexico? We're there."

Saved by a superhero

And here I thought I would have nothing to talk about, I'm saved by Rebekah.

You remember Rebekah Hendershot, don't you?  You may not, it's been a while since I wrote about her, and her strange, strange little universe of Masks. News items and essays she dealt with have inspired a few blog entries, and even a few stories .... my story "God Hates ... Superman?" is actually stolen from her original blog title of the same name. Masks has appeared all over the blog, including: “So, you want to be a writer?” and Disasters to Marvel At: A Comic Discussion, and others.

Madam Hendershot inspired my Writer's Rules For Villains; and The Masks Blog beat up on Fred Phelps before this blog did.

Masks also made a brief appearance in one of the first stories on this page, Boys of the Old Brigade.  As well as the direct sequel, Coyote Christmas.

Now, what the hell is Masks?

Masks is a novel series written by Rebekah Hendershot, who has been a friend of this blog and its supporting pages since day one. Seriously, she provided the first comment on the entire blog.

Masks is, essentially, what would happen if you had someone who wanted to seriously write an original novel about superheroes. She's it. Unlike some novels, like Soon, I Will Be Invincible, or other novelists who spend more time making fun of the genre than actually enjoying it, Rebekah is having fun with it. Imagine if Jim Butcher wanted to write an original comic book, you get Masks.

Masks also tries to make superheroes "real"-- rule one, NO SPANDEX.

It's a book written for those people who want something more edifying than Twilight, and without a retarded fanbase... Rebekah is far too polite to beat up on Twitards. Obviously, I don't have that problem.

Her premise: Something killed off the superheroes of Los Angeles. And it's still there. Cue Dracula theme.

Now, the only thing standing between the civilians of LA and supervillains is .... a sixteen-year-old girl with a snark function permanently set to "kill." She has allies ... after a fashion. She's aided by a screwed up Tim Drake meets Winter Soldier, she has a demon coyote who's stalking her, and a cowboy grim reaper seems to have an interest in her as well.

There's a love story in there as well, but I can only cover so much.

Over the last few years, she has supported gamers, comic books, and Young Adult fiction that men can read (YA fiction that isn't Twilight.)

When you check out her blog ... and what are you still doing here reading mine? .... you might notice some common themes between her blog and this one. A lot of writers are similiarly warped. We're weird that way.

And Lord knows that any fantasy elements in Masks is about ten times better than any fantasy used in Star Wars recently.

One day, Jim Butcher's Harry Dresden will come up against a mad scientist, and it'll look a lot a Masks novel. Or, Butcher, or even Laurell K. Hamilton, will try to write something that is a solid mystery, and it may be as good as the Agatha Christie-like Zephyr Street.

All in all, it's a fun ride. If you have the time, you might want to get on. And buckle up

Because her book is released!!!!

Now, go buy it. You're welcome.

Music Blog: John Williams marches

I figured that this was going to be one of two items today: another character filling in another survey, or a music blog.

You're in luck: music.

First: the march of the Wedding Party at one of my friend's wedding last year .....

The theme to Superman....

Mainly because his wife forbade Star Wars. Otherwise, it would have been the Imperial March




And, speaking of Star Wars ...

Nerd Rage: DC Reboot as One More Day gone mad.

Let me start by saying that this title is horrifically overblown.

Everyone who has kept up with the blog (or has even read the top five most read posts)  knows my opinion on Marvel.  I dislike how they screw with characters for their movie properties, or dissolve marriages in an arbitrary and capricious fashion with a ... deal with the devil? For most of this, I initially blamed Joe Quesada ... then I realized that most comic book arcs are proposed a year in advance, and I realized that Marvel would be feeling the effects of Joe Q at least until 2012.

My main complaint was that Marvel had MASSIVE, WORLD CHANGING STORIES...... that changed absolutely nothing at all.

When I initially discussed DC Comics, and what they've been doing, my complaint was that they kept shaking up their universe so much, the dust never had time to settle before they had another damn crisis. We were being Evented to Death.

And now, DC is having yet another "event," where they rewrite large parts of their own history.

In the past, when DC did this sort of thing, it was to make life easier on everyone.  DC Comics had the original "Crisis on Infinite Earths" in the 1980s as a way of consolidating their myriad universes -- Golden Age, Bronze Age, Silver Age, the Dark Ages -- and make them one universe.

Now it's starting to feel like One More Day all over again. (more below the break)

Inspiring Authors: J. Michael Straczynski

Every once in a while, I look over my writing style, and I look at what I've taken away from the authors I've been exposed to.



The first, and most important writing influence is someone named J. Michael Straczynski (JMS).



JMS, who I have mentioned once or twice, was an executive producer on Murder, She wrote, created Babylon 5, and writes almost anything else he can get his hands on. He's written comics, TV, novels, science fiction, battling demons....

Just look him up on amazon, buy everything except for “Rising Stars” and “Supreme Power.”



I'm not joking. Go now.



If you saw Thor -- and who didn't? You didn't? Go see it. I'll wait..... Back now? You liked it? Good. -- JMS had a cameo in the film as the first fellow to find Thor's hammer, and organized that big sequence with trying to drag out the hammer with a truck.



There is Tribulations, a book about demonic possession in modern LA. Surprisingly well put together and very religious ... And he's an atheist. So, he at least knows how to appreciate religion, even if it's only for use as fantasy fodder.

I first experienced the writing of JMS a very long time ago, before I even knew who the man was. Originally an author for television, he worked his way up from cartoons and into prime time. He penned the only episode of The Real Ghostbusters that I can remember.  Twenty years after the original airing of Murder, She Wrote, all of the episodes I knew off the top of my head happened to be written by him (if you remember an episode in the Psycho house, that would be Joe).

I first became aware of Joe Straczynski with his television show Babylon 5; at the time, it seemed to be a rip-off of a Star Trek program that had just come on called Deep Space 9. Then odd things started happening. To start with, the show had character. The characters on the show had personalities. They had backgrounds. They had character flaws. When there was fighting, there were actual military tactics, and the science fiction .... had science.

If you are not a follower of science fiction, you may not be aware of this, but to find military tactics in most science fiction filmed media is almost as rare as finding science in a Star Trek film. As mentioned during our week of Infinite Space, Infinite God II, most sci-fi will resort to technobabble before using actual science. Babylon 5 is the first science fiction television show that ever explained how their artificial gravity worked.

With military tactics -- how much in the way of tactics did anyone see in Star Wars or Star Trek that did not amount to "Watch two armies. See them ram into each other. See them ignore that space is three dimensional."

With Babylon 5, NASA has asked permission to use some of their designs, because they can't come up with better ideas.  If you ever hear about a NASA space construction craft called a "Star Fury," it's because JMS allowed them to use it on the condition that it shared the name it had on the tv show....

Constant readers of this blog will see the fingerprints of JMS all over it. The most popular blog post Disasters to Marvel At was made possible by Joe Straczynski. After Babylon 5, JMS went on to writing comic books; in particular, Amazing Spider Man (ASM). Being a fan of Straczynski's, I followed. It was the first time I had picked up a comic book in about five years. At least.

And it was a gloriously enjoyable run. If you ever saw an issue of ASM that involved Spider-Man dealing with the 9-11 attacks, that was JMS' doing. It was a throwaway issue in a grand story arc that had Peter Parker questioning his own origins, pondering whether or not he was part of a larger plan, and finding himself embroiled more and more with supernatural problems. The solutions became more cerebral and scientific than requiring an ability to pound someone into dust.

Also, in pure JMS fashion, he took the marriage of Peter Parker and made it work -- after all, Straczynski's strong suit is having two people interact with each other. And it's nothing like having a reconciliation in the middle of a super-powered smackdown at Denver airport.

And then there was the surprisingly epic ASM 500, where JMS managed to condense the entire 500 isues before into one, simple question.

Which is why I was somewhat enraged when editorial mandate came down from a clear blue sky and decreed that every Marvel comic would be dragooned into the Event of the Week. The story arc for Straczynski's Spider-Man run was stomped on by the far inferior Civil War. And, while I liked what JMS managed to do with it, despite editorial mandate (it was the only part of the Civil War I remotely enjoyed), and he managed to make the follow-up Back in Black, a fun read, at the end of the day, management came down and destroyed, literally, every achievement JMS wrote over the course of his six-year run.

When I saw JMS at New York Comic Con, he had a running phrase: "Joe, you suck." He even had the audience repeat it back to him.  However, between the links above, there's a reason why I think it should be "Joe (Quesada), you suck."

JMS would also take over duties on Thor, where he placed the Norse deity in the middle of New Mexico (Thor movie fans, sound familiar?)

After Marvel and he had a falling out, he went direct to DC. He did some spectacular Team-ups of the Brave and the Bold, tried to work on a new arc for Wonder Woman, and even a Superman arc called Grounded. Right now, he's heading the bestseller list with his graphic novel Superman: Earth One.  If Warner Brothers is smart, they'll reboot the Superman movie franchise with Earth one as a model.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM JMS.

I learned how to write people. Taking a cue from Rod Serling, JMS knew how to make a conversation be dramatic with just two people in a room, no ticking bomb required. He knew how to work dynamics with different characters for different results. He even went so far to lock two people in a room together, he literally trapped two characters in an elevator.

If you wondered why my short story One Way to Stay out of Jail consisted mostly of two people in a room just talking to each other, you can probably guess. It's the joy of having characters (some of whom are deeply flawed) interacting with each other.

Another thing I got from JMS -- how to take cliche's and turn them inside out.

For example...

Situation: Two people who hate each other are trapped in an elevator; fires are burning outside. If they don't work together, they will die.
Hollywood standard procedure: The trapped duo will overcome their grievances in order to stay alive.
JMS: One character says to another "I'm not going to help. This way, I can watch you die and I won't be prosecuted."

It's fun.

In A Pius Man, there is a reason that the book has plenty of deep, in-depth conversations between people who have some obvious flaws .... although a lot of it revolves around Sean Ryan, who is, himself, really weird.

Further Reading.

Other works by JMS include.

Demon Night (I haven't read it yet, but it should be fun)



Othersyde: Another book I loved. High school, meet demonology 101.

Two high school nerds, "losers," tormented and tortured on a routine basis, buy curiosities -- two telegraph signal senders.



And then, the devices start tapping out Morse code on their own.



It was elegantly written, and even made the angst of high school tolerable. And, no, there is no Twilight level, whiny-angsty BS. I would take a power drill to my head before I even read anything remotely like it, to heck with recommending it.

Book of Lost Souls: A late, lamented comic book series JMS wrote while at Marvel. While there were only five issues of this run, I think it has a good, solid story arc. that reads well even though Marvel pulled the plug on it early on.

 

Straczynski Unplugged: A collection of short stories, mostly novelized versions of screenplays JMS did for The New Twilight Zone back in the 80s. I can only assume these few were all he did, otherwise the show would have done much, much better. These were all awesome.

Under the heading of both "touching" and "I never saw this coming," was Silver Surfer: Requiem. The premise: the Silver Surfer originally made a devil's bargain to save his home planet, becoming the Surfer, herald to a planet-eating being called Galactus. Years later, the Silver Surfer's own body is turning against him. Everything that makes him the Surfer is breaking down. The story arc is broken down into four parts. Benedictus, Sanctus, Kyrie, and Agnus Dei. All parts of the funeral mass.

Let's put it this way: I never liked Silver Surfer, and this brought me to tears ... yes, I'm a nerd.

Bullet Points: Another Marvel project. A simple "What if?" If the assassin who killed Captain America's creator completed his task 24 hours earlier, and, at the same time, killing one of the bodyguards, a Ben Parker, what would the world look like. The only thing that I've read that compares to it in comics is the ASM 9-11 issue ... also by JMS.

-- Okay, this was pure, unadulterated awesome. An LA cop finds himself caught in the crossfire between Heaven and Hell, and loses his soul, becoming one of the lost people of the Midnight Nation.



In order to get his soul back, he has to cross all of America to New York City to face the Devil himself.Midnight Nation

Squadron Supreme and Rising Stars -- the only works I can honestly not endorse. Even JMS has complaints about Squadron Supreme.

Update: Sorry, I'm from New York, the Midwest, unfortunately, does look alike to me -- New Mexico or Oklahoma. Especially since the artwork in the JMS Thor comic and the images in the Thor movie looked the same to me. I suspect Kenneth Branaugh looked at the comic and said "This doesn't match Oklahoma, where does it match? Nex Mexico? We're there."

Osama. Death. Events. Superman... a Strange week.

Yup, the title's a little odd, but then again, so have been my last few days.



So....



First things first:  Osama bin Laden is sort of dead ... So, to the soldiers of the US military: Thank you for blowing him straight to Hell.  Expect "Osama tapes" to keep being broadcast on al-Jazeera for a few more weeks, at least.  I suspect that, like Stephen J. Cannell, Isaac Asimov, and Robert Parker, bin Laden still has a postmortem career ahead of him.



However, I talked about Osama yesterday. Let's move on.



The rest of post will be short.  There's a death in the family.  Please, no condolences; I have a strange reaction to death: there's either Heaven, Hell, or Nothing.  If Heaven is the option, the dead have it better than we do.  If there's Nothing, then, well, the cancer is over.  If the other option ... well, then, there's nothing to be done about it, is there?



Moving on ....



I had partially considered starting my "Evil Religions" series, which I had mentioned before Lent first started.  However, after the whole Snarky Theology series, I think I'm going to take a break from posting non-fiction.  You'd be surprised at how work intensive it can get.... also, my first "Evil Religion" post is ten pages long, and that's after constant editing and revision.



I had considered the latest Disaster to Marvel At ... and it's not a Marvel disaster.  For once.  No, it seems that Quesada disease has infected DC.  In an attempt to be relevant, they are having Superman renounce his American citizenship to join the United Nations.  Because "truth, justice, and the American way just isn't enough anymore" ...



Funny, "the American way" didn't work very well for Osama, when it landed on him in the form of a SEAL team.



I have plenty to say on the Super-idiocy, much of it utilizing words that are inappropriate for a PG-rated blog.  However, the lovely and talented Rebekah Hendershot will be commenting on it.



And I wanted to discuss that Pope John Paul II is on his way to becoming a Saint, and that his day will be ... May Day.  Funny, that a guy who fought the Soviet Union until it's dying day now gets to take over their feast day.  How's that for a souvenir of war? But, non-fiction is rather work intensive. Maybe next year.



So, that leaves me free to mention a few upcoming items.



1) This upcoming Saturday is Free Comic Book Day.  I will be posting an online short story called "One Way to Stay Out of Jail."  The star of this story is one Sean Ryan, who appears in A Pius Man and has already had a few short stories all his own: The Pirate King, the surprisingly popular Boys of the Old Brigade, and God Hates .... Superman?.  He's one of my more colorful characters.  Unlike Scott "Mossad" Murphy, who likes to go unnoticed, Sean has a tendency to leave behind evidence of his presence.  One can usually follow him if one just runs towards the screaming.... Oh, wait, wrong blog.



And, for the record, the complete list of stories is here.



2)  Now, a while ago, I had mentioned that I try to keep busy.  I do this mainly by writing other novels.  And since I've written a whole trilogy around A Pius Man, there's only so much I can do since the first book may or may not survive its first form.  I have considered copying from my friend Rebekah, and publishing one of these books online, for free, in serialized format.



Right now, it's starting to look like vampires might be a good idea.  How many people would like to see a novel of vampires where: A) It all makes sense? B) Vampires all follow the rules laid down in Dracula? And C) THEY DON'T SPARKLE?



I'm going to talk with my agent about it, obviously, but I would like to know: if I write this, will you, kind reader, want to come and play?  I can promise you that I will make fun of certain cliches running rampant right now. I can promise that I will include philosophy, history, theology, and enough action to make the Blade movies seem slow and ponderous. And I try to make fighting vampires practical in a modern age.....  I just really wanted to use the Throwing Stars of David and Vatican Ninjas. 



So, what do you think?  Please comment below.... and keep it clean.

Snarky Theology 1: Catholic Cannibals.

Right now, I am not certain if I have have yet made this point explicit; but, just in case, I need to be clear about something.....

A Pius Man, this blog, and myself, are not here to convert anyone.

One more time.

I'm not here to convert anybody.

To start with, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. For another thing, the bulk of my friends are Jewish. It wouldn't go over well.

Not to mention that I wouldn't drag anyone into the mishegas that is the Roman Catholic Church, unless they were really patient.

Let's look at my religion for a moment.

I believe that a strange visitor from another realm came to Earth, with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. As He grew up, His powers developed, until He could walk through crowds as though He were invisible, could calm tempests, turn water into wine, walk on water and multiply food to feed a few thousand people. He's also such a pathetic Deity that He would later get nailed to a set of 2x4s.  Even more pathetic, when He does something interesting and comes back from the dead, it's done in such a low-key fashion that it could easily be reported as "someone misplaced the body. Oops."

Welcome to the church that follows Yeshua bin Joseph. AKA Yeshua bin YHWH. AKA Joshua Carpenter, AKA Joshua, son of Joseph. Better known by his Greek alias, Jesus the Christ.

Welcome to the rabbit hole I live in.

Now, the above is just how I phrase this sort of stuff.  I'm sure most Christians wouldn't phrase it quite like that.  However, if one is looking at it objectively, it's probably quite insane. According to sociologist Rodney Stark, the major reason Christianity received ANY converts was that the early Christians themselves were big on charity. They had a tendency to stay in areas that smart people left -- areas like plague-infested towns, when even the doctors fled.  When things were so bad that the intelligent people left the others to their fate, Christians were the only ones dumb enough to stick around. It's a good thing they were too, otherwise Christianity would be a small sect in some unknown corner of the world no one ever heard of.

But wait, there's more.

My particular subsection of Christianity, known as Catholicism (from catholic, meaning "universal"; IE: Catholics, everywhere you don't WANT us to be, and "We'll take anybody.... no, really, anybody"), has a special tenet.

One tale of fellow Jesus had Him grabbing the bread at the Passover dinner, and He said "Take all of you and eat it. This, my body" (apparently, the Aramaic version is far more direct about it). 

He also did the same thing with "the cup" (probably the one left for Elijah) and called it His blood.

We Catholics took this tale, and we took it literally. In fact, we play Swallow the Leader every Sunday.  It's technical term is transubstantiation. .... aka Swallow the Leader.

Yes, you got it, Catholics are cannibals.  We eat our Savior as a sacrifice, drink his blood.  Insert evil laughter here ....

No, not really much on the evil laughter, but still ...

One of the better uses of this transubstantiation concept comes from the pen of F. Paul Wilson, horror writer and Fordham University product ... um, graduate. At one point, Wilson had some fun with a vampire story -- since the Catholic mass serves the body and blood of Christ, the vampire took his daily feeding from the chalice.  Now, technically, Wilson is not a Catholic, since Fordham is, after all, a Jesuit school, and any relationship between the Jesuits and Catholicism is tenuous, at best (Sorry, inside joke.  See "Attack of the Vatican Ninjas" for details).

Amusingly, there are some people within the Catholic church who have problems swallowing this last bit of theology (pun intended). "Jesus is supposed to be ACTUALLY IN the bread and wine? No way!"

Yes, because turning water into wine, telling a tempest to shut up, walking on water and COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD are simply sooooo much easier to believe. But Jesus being actually in the bread and wine, using it as a guise for body and blood?  No way dude!

This is of course, right up there with Joseph Campbell complaining that if Jesus physically ascended into Heaven, we should still be able to pick Him up on radar ... If you're already part of the whole Christianity thing, and you're presuming that Jesus is, oh, the Divine Being, Creator of the Universe, etc, et al, then one would have to figure "Hmm, if God created the laws of physics, I wonder if He could bend and/ or break them."

Or, as my father put it, from God's point of view, "It's My game, My ballpark, My rules."

I have occasionally had people justify their lack of believe in this (or any) part of the faith under the heading of "cafeteria Catholicism," where they pick and choose whatever random parts they want to believe in. Which is odd, because by now, I think there's a Protestant group of every sort that has some variation on the faith.

Shop around a bit, you can become a member of whatever theological system you like.  Including a Christian group without Christ (they're called Unitarians). I also enjoy people who enjoy saying they are Catholic, yet believe NOTHING of the Vatican's teachings.  Which is odd, I didn't think Catholics were so cool that people hung around, despite not believing a word, or The Word. 

Right now, there are so many varieties of Christianity, I think being a "shopper" within a faith is sort of like saying "No, I joined this militia because I couldn't find a gun club. I like the shooting, but this whole 'overthrow the government' part is just not my thing.  Honest. Why are you arresting me?"

Now, as I said before, I can objectively look at all of the above elements of faith.  From the outside, it looks positively insane.  There's a reason there are three references to Alice in Wonderland in the above text. And I can give you all sorts of reasons why I, a moderately intelligent fellow, believe in all of the above insanity.

Gutters #22

But that's about twenty pages (small print, small spacing, really small margins), of Really Boring Garbage. And, as I said, I'm not here to convert anybody. If I can explain to people what Catholics believe, and the reasoning behind it, I'll be happy. The phrase is "apologetics"; not saying "I'm sorry," but explaining why. In Greek, apologia meant a legal defense.

That's one reason I have occasionally referred to A Pius Man as apologetics in-between the bullets.

Though no matter how much I explain it, it'll all still look insane. There's a reason I used a description from Superman in reference to Jesus ...

Although in the first Superman film, his spaceship did look like the Star of Bethlehem. I guess we can blame that on Godfather author and Catholic, Mario Puzo. He must have made Hollywood an offer they couldn't refuse.

Mr Phelps, You Are Disavowed…

[This blog is rated PG, for mild intemperate language.]

I do not feel the need to disavow every single stupid thing a Christian group has ever done. For one thing, I'm Catholic, so most Christian sects, denominations, etc, have already disavowed me. So when other folks in other Christian groups do something stupid, I generally don't care.

Like, for example, when a creationist museum that has what appears to be a Garden of Eden setting … with a Velociraptor off to the side.

Thankfully, I can usually say, “Yeah, that's stupid,” and move on. Because it is stupid: even ignoring that human beings and dinosaurs were separated by about a few BILLION years of development, you'd think that the museum designer would have picked a dinosaur that was more friendly in appearance, and what wasn't the primary adversary of one of the top grossing films of all time.

So, with idiocies like that, I don't care. It's not my church, not my problem.

And then there's Fred Phelps.... who may or may not have appeared in one of our stories.

Mr. Phelps, who bears no relationship to Jim Phelps of the Mission: Impossible TV series, is not unknown to constant readers of this blog, or fellow writer/blogger Rebekah of Masks. He is a failed Kansas Democratic Party nominee. He is a failed lawyer (disbarred in 1977).  He is 81 years old, and has been banned from enterting the United Kingdom, and sent a letter to Saddam Hussein, praising him for his religious tolerance.  And he is an all around failed human being.

Most recently, Phelps runs a marginal little Baptist church in the back end of Westboro, Kansas. They run websites called “God Hates the World,” and even “God hates Sweden.”

Obviously, this guy has too much time on his hands if he could work himself into a lather about Sweden.

Phelps and company host a lot of protests. His most recent protest was at … the funeral of Elizabeth Edwards.

Constant readers know that I am no fan of politics, politicians, or even people connected with them. I have no particular affection or disdain for the late Mrs. John Edwards. When her husband had illicit offspring, she attacked anyone and everyone who discussed it, even though it was later revealed she knew all about it, even as she called everyone else a liar. While this does not put her into my nominee for sainthood, the woman's dead, get over it.

However, reasons for Mr. Phelps protesting her funeral are … odd. Part of his stated reasons for the protest include: “Elizabeth Edwards & her faithless husband, John, lightly esteemed what they had. They coveted things that were not theirs – and presumptuously thought they could control God.”

Um, what? I can tell more lawyer jokes that start with “John Edwards” than I know what to do with, but, seriously?  What drugs are you on, sir?

While I would usually just paint Mr. Phelps with the stupid brush, and say “this is not the Christian you're looking for, move along,” I have had an atheist friend of mine use Phelps as an example of why all religion is for weak-minded fools bewitched by old religious mind tricks (Yes, I put more than one Star Wars reference into an overwritten sentence. I'm a nerd).  So, Mr. Phelps has earned some special attention.   And it's not the first time on this blog (see Item 9)

Why does he deserve it? Because Mr. Phelps is not a Christian. He actually belongs to no organized religion that I have ever heard of. After all, he wants to spread “God's hate.” While God is somewhat cranky in the Torah, it's mostly a matter of “Screw With My People, I Will End You.” Hate is never stressed as a key component of any modern faith I know of; the others were wiped out centuries ago.

However, Mr. Phelps does remind me of something else. Looking over his history, he does nothing but organize protests. Protests at military funerals, random high schools, celebrity deaths, the San Francisco office of Twitter … the list goes on. And on. His band of bozos spend their time proclaiming that God hates gays. And that God Hates Jews. And God Hates Catholics. And God Hates the military. And God Hates…

Well, “God hates” everyone who isn't Mr. Phelps and his little band of twits.

“God” even “hates” comic book readers. Phelps and his band of fruit loops protested San Diego's Comic Con because “comic books encourage idolatry.” 


Riiiiiight.

I suspect that if there's a headline media story, Phelps will chase it, and park his people in front of it, lodging a protest, because God suddenly “hates” everyone involved. But only after it becomes front page news.  

Obviously, if you take any attention away from Mr. Phelps, God hates you.

When you consider that a Christian is defined as someone who follows the principles of Jesus Christ, Mr. Phelps is not a Christian. At no point did Christ mention anything about “God hates [this large body of people].” In fact, He generally preferred using examples of social outcasts who acted as better models of proper behavior than the high priests. There's a good reason why the Catholic Church has never declared that any individual person has gone to Hell—the Vatican condemns certain behaviors, not certain people.  It has never tried to take on the moral authority assumed by Dante.

So, let's see. Mr. Phelps has a small, insular body of people who clearly demonstrate an attitude that it is “us” versus “them.” In this case, “them” is “the world.” Also, Phelps is using the Gospel according to …. Phelps. Not to mention that Phelps is very interested in having the cameras on him at all times. It seems that the most dangerous place in America to be is between Freddy Phelps a microphone.

A narcissist with delusions of godhood … there's a term for that, isn't there?  Let me think about that a moment. Wait, it's coming to me … it's coming to me … Yes, I have it.

I think the term I want is “cult leader.”

Yes, “cult leader” and “attention-seeking media whore” sum him up rather neatly, I think.

And while there should be prayers (from actual people of faith) that Mr. Phelps become something other than what he is – maybe an atheist like Daniel Dennett -- I doubt it will happen. In fact, I await the day that Mr. Phelps and company break out a shipment of Kool-Aid, and give the rest of us some well-deserved peace and quiet.

On the other hand, Mr. Phelps is good for something. He has been put on the hit list of the Anti-Defamation League, gay rights groups, and Ann Coulter  …  I bet you'd never see those three all on the same side, did you?

Authors I Am Thankful For

Thanksgiving and Black Friday are over. Everyone, welcome back.



This is probably something that should have been posted on Thursday, but everyone was probably busy this weekend.



In my life, few authors have affected me in any way, shape or form. Most of it affected me in a professional manner. From Joseph Garber's Verticle Run, I learned how to start a thriller that didn't stop from start to finish, and while he was recently trumped by Matthew Reilly and James Rollins, Garber is where to start.



Few authors have ever actually had an impact on my life in general. And by few, I mean three. And, technically, I wasn't even the one who really felt the impact for two of the authors … it's a long story.





J. Michael Straczynski.



Way back in the 1990s, there was a television show called Babylon 5. It was a science fiction program that was less about special effects, latex masks and tight body suits, and more an epic about character. It was essentially a filmed novel. Like War and Peace, with one-tenth the cast. It was interesting enough that I would spend time with my family pondering what would happen next.



Along the way, when I was sixteen, I started writing what is unfortunately known as fan fiction. I had written stories based off of throwaway one-liners in the series. And while I touched nothing of the actual series storyline, I had a few concepts that the show didn't expand on, and spun that off into little corners of the universe, and aside from the first two books, it basically became its own series. I started rewriting what was a fan fiction quartet of over two thousand pages, and I'm now on book 6 of a possible 13 that I've outlined...



One of the artifacts I had picked up because of Babylon 5 is a leather bomber jacket. It had a great big gold embroidered 5 on the back, in the style of the show, and the show logo on the front. I have worn it every winter when the temperature dropped below forty, and there was no precipitation. This includes my days in college, when it was just too cold to wear a suit jacket.



One day, in 2001, I walked out of a class called the History of Terrorism, and one classmate had noticed the jacket. We walked and talked across the university's great lawn, past the library, an administrative building, and to the other side of the campus, until my ride literally started the car, pulled up behind me, and flashed his brights at us.



A month ago, I was a groomsman at his wedding.



A few years afterward, during my abortive attempt at a PhD in history, I drove down to a social in Manhattan, wearing the same jacket. Someone behind me said, “Cool jacket, I know that show.” He hasn't stopped talking to me since. Two months ago, I was the best man at his wedding.



Within the past two years, I have been adopted by a fan of Straczynski's comic book work. She was a fellow writer who merely contacted me because she wanted fans for her Myspace page for her own novel. She saw that Straczynski was part of my interests, and thought I might also be interested in her novel, Masks. We're still talking. It's … complicated.







Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman



Once upon a time, I had considered getting a friend of mine a gift for his birthday. The novel was Good Omens, which was essentially Murphy's law as applied to the apocalypse— losing the antichrist, for example. It was fun. Strange as all hell, but fun. Neil Gaiman still insists that he wrote some of the funny parts. I thought my friend would like it.



Meanwhile, in another part of the internet, a woman was trying to remember the title of a novel she had read once upon a time. She signed into her dating website of choice, and came across the novel in my friend's profile. The book was Good Omens.



That relationship culminated in the marriage from two months ago.....



 

I've heard people tell me that reading is an anti-social activity. Obviously, they've been reading the wrong books.

The Infinite Crisis of DC Comics.

Ah, DC Comics..... You didn't think I had a grudge with Marvel, did you?



Last week, I took a look at Marvel comics, and how they've tried for yet another Marvel “event” every other week.



At the other end of the comic book universe, in DC Comics, there has been a crisis or two … hundred. They had an Identity Crisis, an Infinite Crisis, a Final Crisis, and one, three year War of the Rings (a Sinestro War, a Corps War, a Blackest night).



Spoiler Alerts all around.



2004: Identity Crisis.  This was fun. It was a small scale, character-killing, world-altering storyline that shakes DC forever! It was essentially a murder mystery, where the wife of Elongated Man was murdered in her own home. In going through the lists of suspects, we discover dark happenings going on behind the scenes of the Justice League—our “B-list” characters have been altering villains, and even mentally “adjusting” allies among the League members. It first started with wiping villains of superhero identities, and then altering them so they became less dangerous, and ended by manipulating fellow League members, most of all Batman. At the end of the day, we discover that the culprit is the ex-wife of one of the League members (The Atom): by attacking one of their loved ones, she figured that all the superheroes would start staying home more often, including her own ex-husband.



It was interesting, and things shifted for everyone. Tim Drake (Robin) lost his father. We actually cared about the minor character of Elongated Man. As the villains go, it had some Retcon (retroactive continuity). It was the beginning of the end of the Justice League, and a setup for the next crisis.



2005: Infinite Crisis … A massive, world-killing, world-altering storyline that shakes DC forever! A sequel to the 1985 Crisis on Infinite Earths (which was the Retcon from Hell), heroes from that Crisis had come back as villains of this piece. It had universes created, cities ruined, and some additional retcon. Even if it was confusing to start with, it ended in a bang, resolved a few issues, and created 52 alternate universes. And it killed Superboy, who no one cared about to begin with (don't worry, he gets better).



2006: “52” … A massive, world-killing, world-altering storyline that shakes DC forever! Batman has taken a year off after nearly having a nervous breakdown in Infinite Crisis. Superman flew too close to a red son and needs to recharge. Wonder Woman is in temporary retirement. The A-list characters are out of the way, so now, practically every B-list character gets a starring role as they try to handle all the problems that arise during this particular crisis.



Overall, it was surprisingly well written. People die, countries get wiped out, and we get the pun “The Isle of Dr. Morrow.” It also spawns several other comic book lines, including Booster Gold. It shows how the major players in the DC universe took a year after Infinite Crisis to get their bearings. Minor Character of Elongated Man dies (has stayed dead thus far). Police Officer Rene Montoya of Gotham City becomes a superhero. The finale starts a War in Hell, and ties up any loose ends left behind by Infinite Crisis.



52 also starts an interesting line of inquiry: practically everyone in DC has come back from the dead at one point or another. Ralph Dibney (Elongated Man) asks the question: Why do they keep coming back?



2007: Sinestro Corps War … a Green lantern storyline with branches into nearly everything else in DC. The character of Sinestro has always had a Yellow ring, one that operates on fear like the Green Lantern Corps has rings that operate on will (But has no relation to Jim Butcher's wizard Harry Dresden, who also has rings of power, who also uses will to power his spells.... )



So, Sinestro starts his own Yellow Lantern corps. The premise is simple enough: “Crap, Sinestro has an army. We have a problem.” This is a massive, world-killing, world-altering storyline that shakes DC for … the next three years, starting the War of the Rings.



The Sinestro Corps even ends with one of the characters (the Anti-Monitor, who is anti-life itself) being blown to pieces, and his remains turning into the Black Lantern (see 2009).



2008: Final Crisis … a massive, world-killing, world-altering storyline that … okay, forget it.



I can't even tell you the plot of this one. I'm serious. I read it. We have the New Gods of the planet Apokolips (subtle, no?). They killed the Martian Manhunter. Superboy came back.  Barry Allen as The Flash came back. DC didn't even pretend that they killed Bruce Wayne (Batman), but made him unstuck in time (just like Captain America, hmmm). Superheroes from the future were involved. That's about all I know. Even the Wikipedia article makes me go cross-eyed.



2008-2009: There was New Krypton … a massive, world-killing, world-altering storyline that seems to have had no impact on anyone. It even ended with the “War of the Supermen” … Right.



2009-2010: Blackest Night: is a massive, world-killing, world-altering storyline that shakes DC like San Francisco, 1905. We have the War of the (Lantern) Rings come to a head as the DC writers unleash the Black Lantern Corps—which apparently operate on "death," as opposed to any emotion. Black rings take over the corpse of practically every interesting character who has ever died in the DC Universe, creating an Army of Darkness (quick, call Bruce Campbell).



Why are black rings animating corpses?  Since this corps doesn't have emotions (they're dead, after all), the members of this Army of Darkness are chosen to evoke emotional reactions in people they target, and when they are full of emotional goodness, the Army of Darkness rips their heart out and eats it.



And no, they don't want brains.



The best part of Blackest Night is that they turned the various and sundry resurrections of practically everybody into a plot point. The creature that lives within the Black Lantern, Nekron (again, subtle, no?), has declared that he has prevented everyone in the DC universe from staying dead, he has kept the door from death open for them, allowing them all to come back from the dead … and allowing him to control them! Which means, uh oh, the Black rings are taking over everyone who has been resurrected over the course of DC history. That's a lot of people.



In order to face this menace, various and sundry heroes and villains are drafted as temporary members of the rainbow coalition (um, the various colored Lantern corps). This ends in the creation of yet ANOTHER Lantern color, and practically everyone who has died comes back. And if they haven't yet, just wait for it.



I have just managed to tell you everything that has been happening in DC for the last five years....



Last week, I cited that, while my book is not about superheroes, or comics, I can at least comment on bad writing.  The epic of the week wasn't so much bad as ....



Well, let's try it this way.  One of the things about the Catholic church is that it has a tendency to think in centuries. You won't see another Vatican Council in your lifetime, or in the lifetime of your great-grandchildren, mainly because we're still fine-tuning the LAST council.



DC has decided to shake up their universe, which is admirable. It has been creative, and breathtaking, and all sorts of good stuff …



But in the name of all that's holy, can somebody stop the shaking machine for a minute? There is a massive, world-altering storyline every single month now. Can we wait five minutes for the dust to settle first? After Infinite Crisis, there was 52, and while that was massive, it was at least spread out over dozens of issues, and let the dust settle nicely from Infinite Crisis ...



Then DC was in permanent crisis.  Let's have "The Great, Giant, Massive, War Of The Rings" ... okay, that's nice, can we see if any various and sundry other regular villains in the DC universe earned a Rainbow Ring?  The subject was touched on in Blackest Night (preempting a future fan-boy debate of "What character would be offered what color ring?"), but not settling the subject on a more long-term basis for the previous years in the War of the Rings.



Right now, with their "Brightest Day" storyline, it looks like DC may just stop shaking up every last millimeter of their universe. Maybe.  We hope.



The point: you don't just shake up the universe like a snow globe and expect everyone to go back to normal.  There are things like character: how someone is affected by the Great Massive Storyline.  It's hard to do when no one has time to recover.  Raymond Chandler's idea of writing advice was, "When in doubt have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand."



The Crisis of the hour is the man with the gun.  It's hard to have a plot when the universe is one giant shooting gallery.  I like an action sequence as much as the next guy, but can we tone it down? Please?