Showing posts with label b5. Show all posts
Showing posts with label b5. Show all posts

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Inspiring Authors: J. Michael Straczynski


Every once in a while, I look over my writing style, and I look at what I've taken away from the authors I've been exposed to.



The first, and most important writing influence is someone named J. Michael Straczynski (JMS).



JMS, who I have mentioned once or twice, was an executive producer on Murder, She wrote, created Babylon 5, and writes almost anything else he can get his hands on. He's written comics, TV, novels, science fiction, battling demons....




Just look him up on amazon, buy everything except for “Rising Stars” and “Supreme Power.”



I'm not joking. Go now.



If you saw Thor -- and who didn't? You didn't? Go see it. I'll wait..... Back now? You liked it? Good. -- JMS had a cameo in the film as the first fellow to find Thor's hammer, and organized that big sequence with trying to drag out the hammer with a truck.



There is Tribulations, a book about demonic possession in modern LA. Surprisingly well put together and very religious ... And he's an atheist. So, he at least knows how to appreciate religion, even if it's only for use as fantasy fodder.










I first experienced the writing of JMS a very long time ago, before I even knew who the man was. Originally an author for television, he worked his way up from cartoons and into prime time. He penned the only episode of The Real Ghostbusters that I can remember.  Twenty years after the original airing of Murder, She Wrote, all of the episodes I knew off the top of my head happened to be written by him (if you remember an episode in the Psycho house, that would be Joe).





I first became aware of Joe Straczynski with his television show Babylon 5; at the time, it seemed to be a rip-off of a Star Trek program that had just come on called Deep Space 9. Then odd things started happening. To start with, the show had character. The characters on the show had personalities. They had backgrounds. They had character flaws. When there was fighting, there were actual military tactics, and the science fiction .... had science.





If you are not a follower of science fiction, you may not be aware of this, but to find military tactics in most science fiction filmed media is almost as rare as finding science in a Star Trek film. As mentioned during our week of Infinite Space, Infinite God II, most sci-fi will resort to technobabble before using actual science. Babylon 5 is the first science fiction television show that ever explained how their artificial gravity worked.





With military tactics -- how much in the way of tactics did anyone see in Star Wars or Star Trek that did not amount to "Watch two armies. See them ram into each other. See them ignore that space is three dimensional."





With Babylon 5, NASA has asked permission to use some of their designs, because they can't come up with better ideas.  If you ever hear about a NASA space construction craft called a "Star Fury," it's because JMS allowed them to use it on the condition that it shared the name it had on the tv show....





Constant readers of this blog will see the fingerprints of JMS all over it. The most popular blog post Disasters to Marvel At was made possible by Joe Straczynski. After Babylon 5, JMS went on to writing comic books; in particular, Amazing Spider Man (ASM). Being a fan of Straczynski's, I followed. It was the first time I had picked up a comic book in about five years. At least.





And it was a gloriously enjoyable run. If you ever saw an issue of ASM that involved Spider-Man dealing with the 9-11 attacks, that was JMS' doing. It was a throwaway issue in a grand story arc that had Peter Parker questioning his own origins, pondering whether or not he was part of a larger plan, and finding himself embroiled more and more with supernatural problems. The solutions became more cerebral and scientific than requiring an ability to pound someone into dust.





Also, in pure JMS fashion, he took the marriage of Peter Parker and made it work -- after all, Straczynski's strong suit is having two people interact with each other. And it's nothing like having a reconciliation in the middle of a super-powered smackdown at Denver airport.





And then there was the surprisingly epic ASM 500, where JMS managed to condense the entire 500 isues before into one, simple question.





Which is why I was somewhat enraged when editorial mandate came down from a clear blue sky and decreed that every Marvel comic would be dragooned into the Event of the Week. The story arc for Straczynski's Spider-Man run was stomped on by the far inferior Civil War. And, while I liked what JMS managed to do with it, despite editorial mandate (it was the only part of the Civil War I remotely enjoyed), and he managed to make the follow-up Back in Black, a fun read, at the end of the day, management came down and destroyed, literally, every achievement JMS wrote over the course of his six-year run.





When I saw JMS at New York Comic Con, he had a running phrase: "Joe, you suck." He even had the audience repeat it back to him.  However, between the links above, there's a reason why I think it should be "Joe (Quesada), you suck."





JMS would also take over duties on Thor, where he placed the Norse deity in the middle of New Mexico (Thor movie fans, sound familiar?)





After Marvel and he had a falling out, he went direct to DC. He did some spectacular Team-ups of the Brave and the Bold, tried to work on a new arc for Wonder Woman, and even a Superman arc called Grounded. Right now, he's heading the bestseller list with his graphic novel Superman: Earth One.  If Warner Brothers is smart, they'll reboot the Superman movie franchise with Earth one as a model.





WHAT I LEARNED FROM JMS.





I learned how to write people. Taking a cue from Rod Serling, JMS knew how to make a conversation be dramatic with just two people in a room, no ticking bomb required. He knew how to work dynamics with different characters for different results. He even went so far to lock two people in a room together, he literally trapped two characters in an elevator.





If you wondered why my short story One Way to Stay out of Jail consisted mostly of two people in a room just talking to each other, you can probably guess. It's the joy of having characters (some of whom are deeply flawed) interacting with each other.





Another thing I got from JMS -- how to take cliche's and turn them inside out.





For example...


Situation: Two people who hate each other are trapped in an elevator; fires are burning outside. If they don't work together, they will die.
Hollywood standard procedure: The trapped duo will overcome their grievances in order to stay alive.
JMS: One character says to another "I'm not going to help. This way, I can watch you die and I won't be prosecuted."


It's fun.





In A Pius Man, there is a reason that the book has plenty of deep, in-depth conversations between people who have some obvious flaws .... although a lot of it revolves around Sean Ryan, who is, himself, really weird.





Further Reading.


Other works by JMS include.





Demon Night (I haven't read it yet, but it should be fun)



OthersydeOthersyde: Another book I loved. High school, meet demonology 101.




Two high school nerds, "losers," tormented and tortured on a routine basis, buy curiosities -- two telegraph signal senders.



And then, the devices start tapping out Morse code on their own.



It was elegantly written, and even made the angst of high school tolerable. And, no, there is no Twilight level, whiny-angsty BS. I would take a power drill to my head before I even read anything remotely like it, to heck with recommending it.





Book of Lost Souls: A late, lamented comic book series JMS wrote while at Marvel. While there were only five issues of this run, I think it has a good, solid story arc. that reads well even though Marvel pulled the plug on it early on.




Straczynski Unplugged

 

Straczynski Unplugged: A collection of short stories, mostly novelized versions of screenplays JMS did for The New Twilight Zone back in the 80s. I can only assume these few were all he did, otherwise the show would have done much, much better.



These were all awesome.  I suggest clicking on the link and buying the book, rather than trying to find the episodes on youtube.



Trust me on this. 





Silver Surfer: RequiemUnder the heading of both "touching" and "I never saw this coming," was Silver Surfer: Requiem. The premise: the Silver Surfer originally made a devil's bargain to save his home planet, becoming the Surfer, herald to a planet-eating being called Galactus. Years later, the Silver Surfer's own body is turning against him. Everything that makes him the Surfer is breaking down. The story arc is broken down into four parts. Benedictus, Sanctus, Kyrie, and Agnus Dei. All parts of the funeral mass.





Let's put it this way: I never liked Silver Surfer, and this brought me to tears ... yes, I'm a nerd.







Bullet PointsBullet Points: Another Marvel project. A simple "What if?"



What if the assassin who killed Captain America's creator completed his task 24 hours earlier, and, at the same time, killing one of the bodyguards, a Ben Parker, what would the world look like?



The only thing that I've read that compares to it in comics is the ASM 9-11 issue ... also by JMS.










J. Michael Straczynski's Midnight Nation, Vol. 1

-- Okay, this was pure, unadulterated awesome. An LA cop finds himself caught in the crossfire between Heaven and Hell, and loses his soul, becoming one of the lost people of the Midnight Nation.



In order to get his soul back, he has to cross all of America to New York City to face the Devil himself.Midnight Nation

















Squadron Supreme and Rising Stars -- the only works I can honestly not endorse. Even JMS has complaints about Squadron Supreme.




Update: Sorry, I'm from New York, the Midwest, unfortunately, does look alike to me -- New Mexico or Oklahoma. Especially since the artwork in the JMS Thor comic and the images in the Thor movie looked the same to me. I suspect Kenneth Branaugh looked at the comic and said "This doesn't match Oklahoma, where does it match? Nex Mexico? We're there."

Thursday, April 18, 2013

DragonCon report #2: Babylon 5 and Firefly


Wonder Woman at DragonCon
Believe it or not, I didn't get into a lot of panels at DragonCon because they were standing room only, and not even that. The Lord of the Rings panel was crowded out, Torchwood panels were crowded out, even guests Adam West and Burt Ward (Batman and Robin from the 60s) had so many fans that the place was crowded out.

However, as John Ringo has said, what happens at DragonCon, stays on YouTube.

So, who needs to go when stuff is being filmed?

Answer: Me. Much of what I did go into didn't even get put online.

So, one panel, which I didn't get into, is a Firefly panel.  For those of you who don't know Firefly, it is a sci-fi western of Joss Whedon's from about ten years or so ago.  This panel had Sean Maher, Jewel Staite, and an appearance from Adam Baldwin -- his first appearance in years, since he was busy working on a show called Chuck.





Below the break, Babylon 5 stars Mira Furlan and Bruce Boxleitner (aka: Tron), discuss their work on the show.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

DragonCon report #2: Babylon 5 and Firefly





Wonder Woman at DragonCon

[No, I will not be doing a 9-11 article this year. Everything I could say in the matter was covered last year.]



Believe it or not, I didn't get into a lot of panels at DragonCon because they were standing room only, and not even that. The Lord of the Rings panel was crowded out, Torchwood panels were crowded out, even guests Adam West and Burt Ward (Batman and Robin from the 60s) had so many fans that the place was crowded out.



However, as John Ringo has said, what happens at DragonCon, stays on YouTube.



So, who needs to go when stuff is being filmed?



Answer: Me. Much of what I did go into didn't even get put online.



So, one panel, which I didn't get into, is a Firefly panel.  For those of you who don't know Firefly, it is a sci-fi western of Joss Whedon's from about ten years or so ago.  This panel had Sean Maher, Jewel Staite, and an appearance from Adam Baldwin -- his first appearance in years, since he was busy working on a show called Chuck.











Below the break, Babylon 5 stars Mira Furlan and Bruce Boxleitner (aka: Tron), discuss their work on the show.









For the record, the host had mentioned that this was more exciting than having the Obama's, because they were the President and First Lady of the United States, but Boxleitner and Furlan were President and First Lady of the Galaxy.









Yup, it continues.







A discussion of working with Peter Jurasik and Andreas Katsulas.







"What was your most momentous scene?"







Sleeping together, and character reveals.







Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Characters answering surveys: Wilhelmina Goldberg


Have you ever gotten an internet survey?  It has strange questions like your favorite foods, and flavors, that sort of thing.



Ever wondered what would happen if you had a novel character answer one of those?



I decided to have a little fun this week, so I decided to fill one of them out .... as my character Wilhelmina Goldberg -- Secret Service Agent, Tech-expert, and all around barrel of laughs.  I haven't mentioned her in a while, so she's due.



[More below the break]






***********




1) Your Name: Wilhelmina Goldberg

2) Nicknames: Villie

3) City where you live?: Washington DC, when I'm there.

4) School?: Polytech

5) Parents Names?:  Mom and Dad

6) Eye color?: Hazel

7) Hair?: Whatever I decide it is

8)Pets?: Does a roomate count?

9) Siblings?: Too many

10) Best Friends: My computer. I call him Hal.  He talks like Viggo Mortensen

12) Best Enemies: Vista / Bill Gates.

13) Can you dance?: Not really

14) Saddest moment in recent memory: When Steve Jobs died



Favorite TV Shows

Comedy: Whenever Bill Gates has a press conference

Drama: Doctor Who

Reality Show: Sons of Guns

Science fiction show: "Numbers"

Favorite car show: either Top Gear, or Knightrider.



Favorite actor: Orlando Bloom



Favorite novel: Lord of the Rings



Most desired gadget: Sonic Screwdriver.



Most desired recreational toy: One I can't program, you mean?  A lightsaber. I have some people I need to negotiate with. It would come in handy



WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING: Timothy Zahn's Star Wars novels. All of them.



WHAT CD's ARE IN YOUR PLAYER RIGHT NOW?: You mean the playlist on my I-pod?  Tom Smith.



WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?: "The Men of Lord of the Rings."  I photoshopped it myself



FAVORITE BOARD GAME?: Boards? They used boards before computers? Leave me alone, I have Warhammer.



FAVORITE MAGAZINES: Security Magazine



FAVORITE SMELLS?: A warm hard drive



BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?:  Showing up at a new place .



WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: Being ordered to fortify the security of someone who won't listen to a damn thing I say.  I'm looking at you, Saudi Ambassador.



ROLLER COASTER SCARY OR EXCITING?: I can't bring my laptop on board. They suck.



HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?: I don't do rings. I program the tunes to various themes of Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Star Wars, and Babylon 5, usually depending on who it is.  Sometimes I'll let it go to voicemail so I can listen to the whole tune...



FUTURE CHILD' NAME? Sean Luke, and Arwyn.




DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? I grew up in New York, I don't drive, really.



DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? My harddrive



STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? They screw up my Wifi!!!



WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? : The C train, if you want to be picky



IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE:  Stephen Hawking. He needs a good talking to.



FAVORITE DRINK? Slivovitz



EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: Yes, but David Tennant isn't taking my calls.




WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? My go-bags



FAVORITE COLOR CLOTHES TO WEAR:  Black. Makes my job easier.



Do you believe in Heaven/Hell: I've been to Hell on assignment. There is lots of sand there.



Who is the person(s) you despise most?: Bill Gates

What is your computer desk made of? I don't need desks. I have a lap.

What did you do last night?: Rewrote Windows 7. Now it runs more like a Mac.

Dream car?: Kitt, only fully wired with voice commands and net access.

Have you ever won any special awards?: Yes. But the NSA won't let me have them back.

Fast or slow?: Faster the better, because they're usually shooting at me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Music blog: Babylon 5 & Tom Smith




This is the last cut of the music from the aborted Babylon 5 video game from last week. It was fun while it lasted.









And now, the parody version










Thursday, June 30, 2011

Music: Epic Video Game music


Yesterday, I started a series of music clips that should have gone with an aborted Babylon 5 video game. However, it was over an hour of music, and even the thirty minutes I posted yesterday was a little much.



I hope you enjoy

Monday, June 6, 2011

Inspiring Authors: J. Michael Straczynski


Every once in a while, I look over my writing style, and I look at what I've taken away from the authors I've been exposed to.



The first, and most important writing influence is someone named J. Michael Straczynski (JMS).



JMS, who I have mentioned once or twice, was an executive producer on Murder, She wrote, created Babylon 5, and writes almost anything else he can get his hands on. He's written comics, TV, novels, science fiction, battling demons....




Just look him up on amazon, buy everything except for “Rising Stars” and “Supreme Power.”



I'm not joking. Go now.



If you saw Thor -- and who didn't? You didn't? Go see it. I'll wait..... Back now? You liked it? Good. -- JMS had a cameo in the film as the first fellow to find Thor's hammer, and organized that big sequence with trying to drag out the hammer with a truck.



There is Tribulations, a book about demonic possession in modern LA. Surprisingly well put together and very religious ... And he's an atheist. So, he at least knows how to appreciate religion, even if it's only for use as fantasy fodder.










I first experienced the writing of JMS a very long time ago, before I even knew who the man was. Originally an author for television, he worked his way up from cartoons and into prime time. He penned the only episode of The Real Ghostbusters that I can remember.  Twenty years after the original airing of Murder, She Wrote, all of the episodes I knew off the top of my head happened to be written by him (if you remember an episode in the Psycho house, that would be Joe).





I first became aware of Joe Straczynski with his television show Babylon 5; at the time, it seemed to be a rip-off of a Star Trek program that had just come on called Deep Space 9. Then odd things started happening. To start with, the show had character. The characters on the show had personalities. They had backgrounds. They had character flaws. When there was fighting, there were actual military tactics, and the science fiction .... had science.





If you are not a follower of science fiction, you may not be aware of this, but to find military tactics in most science fiction filmed media is almost as rare as finding science in a Star Trek film. As mentioned during our week of Infinite Space, Infinite God II, most sci-fi will resort to technobabble before using actual science. Babylon 5 is the first science fiction television show that ever explained how their artificial gravity worked.





With military tactics -- how much in the way of tactics did anyone see in Star Wars or Star Trek that did not amount to "Watch two armies. See them ram into each other. See them ignore that space is three dimensional."





With Babylon 5, NASA has asked permission to use some of their designs, because they can't come up with better ideas.  If you ever hear about a NASA space construction craft called a "Star Fury," it's because JMS allowed them to use it on the condition that it shared the name it had on the tv show....





Constant readers of this blog will see the fingerprints of JMS all over it. The most popular blog post Disasters to Marvel At was made possible by Joe Straczynski. After Babylon 5, JMS went on to writing comic books; in particular, Amazing Spider Man (ASM). Being a fan of Straczynski's, I followed. It was the first time I had picked up a comic book in about five years. At least.





And it was a gloriously enjoyable run. If you ever saw an issue of ASM that involved Spider-Man dealing with the 9-11 attacks, that was JMS' doing. It was a throwaway issue in a grand story arc that had Peter Parker questioning his own origins, pondering whether or not he was part of a larger plan, and finding himself embroiled more and more with supernatural problems. The solutions became more cerebral and scientific than requiring an ability to pound someone into dust.





Also, in pure JMS fashion, he took the marriage of Peter Parker and made it work -- after all, Straczynski's strong suit is having two people interact with each other. And it's nothing like having a reconciliation in the middle of a super-powered smackdown at Denver airport.





And then there was the surprisingly epic ASM 500, where JMS managed to condense the entire 500 isues before into one, simple question.





Which is why I was somewhat enraged when editorial mandate came down from a clear blue sky and decreed that every Marvel comic would be dragooned into the Event of the Week. The story arc for Straczynski's Spider-Man run was stomped on by the far inferior Civil War. And, while I liked what JMS managed to do with it, despite editorial mandate (it was the only part of the Civil War I remotely enjoyed), and he managed to make the follow-up Back in Black, a fun read, at the end of the day, management came down and destroyed, literally, every achievement JMS wrote over the course of his six-year run.





When I saw JMS at New York Comic Con, he had a running phrase: "Joe, you suck." He even had the audience repeat it back to him.  However, between the links above, there's a reason why I think it should be "Joe (Quesada), you suck."





JMS would also take over duties on Thor, where he placed the Norse deity in the middle of New Mexico (Thor movie fans, sound familiar?)





After Marvel and he had a falling out, he went direct to DC. He did some spectacular Team-ups of the Brave and the Bold, tried to work on a new arc for Wonder Woman, and even a Superman arc called Grounded. Right now, he's heading the bestseller list with his graphic novel Superman: Earth One.  If Warner Brothers is smart, they'll reboot the Superman movie franchise with Earth one as a model.





WHAT I LEARNED FROM JMS.





I learned how to write people. Taking a cue from Rod Serling, JMS knew how to make a conversation be dramatic with just two people in a room, no ticking bomb required. He knew how to work dynamics with different characters for different results. He even went so far to lock two people in a room together, he literally trapped two characters in an elevator.





If you wondered why my short story One Way to Stay out of Jail consisted mostly of two people in a room just talking to each other, you can probably guess. It's the joy of having characters (some of whom are deeply flawed) interacting with each other.





Another thing I got from JMS -- how to take cliche's and turn them inside out.





For example...


Situation: Two people who hate each other are trapped in an elevator; fires are burning outside. If they don't work together, they will die.
Hollywood standard procedure: The trapped duo will overcome their grievances in order to stay alive.
JMS: One character says to another "I'm not going to help. This way, I can watch you die and I won't be prosecuted."


It's fun.





In A Pius Man, there is a reason that the book has plenty of deep, in-depth conversations between people who have some obvious flaws .... although a lot of it revolves around Sean Ryan, who is, himself, really weird.





Further Reading.


Other works by JMS include.





Demon Night (I haven't read it yet, but it should be fun)



OthersydeOthersyde: Another book I loved. High school, meet demonology 101.




Two high school nerds, "losers," tormented and tortured on a routine basis, buy curiosities -- two telegraph signal senders.



And then, the devices start tapping out Morse code on their own.



It was elegantly written, and even made the angst of high school tolerable. And, no, there is no Twilight level, whiny-angsty BS. I would take a power drill to my head before I even read anything remotely like it, to heck with recommending it.





Book of Lost Souls: A late, lamented comic book series JMS wrote while at Marvel. While there were only five issues of this run, I think it has a good, solid story arc. that reads well even though Marvel pulled the plug on it early on.




Straczynski Unplugged

 

Straczynski Unplugged: A collection of short stories, mostly novelized versions of screenplays JMS did for The New Twilight Zone back in the 80s. I can only assume these few were all he did, otherwise the show would have done much, much better. These were all awesome.





Silver Surfer: RequiemBullet PointsUnder the heading of both "touching" and "I never saw this coming," was Silver Surfer: Requiem. The premise: the Silver Surfer originally made a devil's bargain to save his home planet, becoming the Surfer, herald to a planet-eating being called Galactus. Years later, the Silver Surfer's own body is turning against him. Everything that makes him the Surfer is breaking down. The story arc is broken down into four parts. Benedictus, Sanctus, Kyrie, and Agnus Dei. All parts of the funeral mass.





Let's put it this way: I never liked Silver Surfer, and this brought me to tears ... yes, I'm a nerd.










Bullet Points: Another Marvel project. A simple "What if?" If the assassin who killed Captain America's creator completed his task 24 hours earlier, and, at the same time, killing one of the bodyguards, a Ben Parker, what would the world look like. The only thing that I've read that compares to it in comics is the ASM 9-11 issue ... also by JMS.
















J. Michael Straczynski's Midnight Nation, Vol. 1



-- Okay, this was pure, unadulterated awesome. An LA cop finds himself caught in the crossfire between Heaven and Hell, and loses his soul, becoming one of the lost people of the Midnight Nation.



In order to get his soul back, he has to cross all of America to New York City to face the Devil himself.Midnight Nation

















Squadron Supreme and Rising Stars -- the only works I can honestly not endorse. Even JMS has complaints about Squadron Supreme.




Update: Sorry, I'm from New York, the Midwest, unfortunately, does look alike to me -- New Mexico or Oklahoma. Especially since the artwork in the JMS Thor comic and the images in the Thor movie looked the same to me. I suspect Kenneth Branaugh looked at the comic and said "This doesn't match Oklahoma, where does it match? Nex Mexico? We're there."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Neil Gaiman, Minnesota, and Writer's Mistakes.


Writers make mistakes.



This is probably not a good topic to discuss on a writer's blog, but it's the truth. And I try to serve the truth as often as possible without getting myself into even more trouble than I find naturally. People can learn from mistakes, even if those mistakes are performed by other people.



Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, WitchNeil Gaiman is a British author with a couple of novels to his name, and several tv episodes. I only enjoyed two works by him – Neverwhere, and The Graveyard Book. The one other book of his I truly enjoyed is called Good Omens, and there is nothing he can say or do to prove to me that Terry Prachett didn't take over the book entirely.



Recently, Mr. Gaiman (I prefer to pronounce it Guy-mun, not “Gay-man”) spoke at a Minnesota public library. He made a four-hour public appearance, for which he was paid $45,000 dollars.



Yes, he made over $10,000 per hour.



Harlan Ellison, an author who has been writing since the dawn of time … or at least the dawn of modern science fiction … makes $10,000 for an entire convention appearance, and Gaiman isn't half as interesting as Ellison. Trust me, I've met Ellison, and I've seen Gaiman.



A Minnesota politician has referred to Gaiman as a “pencil-necked weasel-thief” for walking off with that much money for a measely four hours.



Gaiman, in his defense, has said that he wanted to charge far less. The library claimed that the money was earmarked for library events, and the earmark expiration date was almost up. They could either use the money, or lose it. So, he took the money, and gave some to charity, some to his agent, etc.



Now, after the politician made noise, Gaiman has turned around, and started exchanging insults with Minnesota, at least on his Facebook page, as he tries to defend his honor (or honour, if you wish to go British). And he's whining that he's being put on a Republican “hate list”....



Now, I don't know about you, but there's something wrong about the whole thing.



For instance, should I ever become interesting enough to be invited anywhere to speak, I'm going to wonder at being offer forty-five grand.



I can imagine the conversation going as follows.




“Hey, we really liked your book, A Pius Man. We want you to come speak here. We'll give you $10,000 an hour. Please?”

Me: [Blink, blink, blink.] “How much?”

“About $45K. Is that not enough?”

Me: “I didn't think I was that interesting. Why $45K?”

“Because that's our event budget. We have to use it, or we're going to lose it.”

Me: “By 'lose it,' do you mean it will spontaneously combust? Fall down a rabbit hole and disappear? Turn to ash?”

“No, the state will just take it back.”

Me: “So, gee, you can either give me all of the taxpayer's money that you still have in your budget, or you can actually let the taxpayers actually have it back? Gee, I'm so happy I can give you an excuse to spend money for the sole purpose of spending money, in the middle of a major recession. How about this: get stuffed. I want nothing to do with you idiots.”

But, now, Neil Gaiman is the persecuted one. Huh. Really? One, it's Minnesota, how many people would know anything was up if it weren't for Gaiman's replies? I know I wouldn't. Two, this sounds like the library wanted to burn through the cash it had, and claim "We used our event budget this year, give us the same next year."

So, an open letter to Neil ....



Dear Mr. Gaiman.



I know you're not from the United States, so let me give you some pertinent information about Minnesota.



Number one: Minnesota is odd. This is a state that gave the position of governor to a former pro-wrestler named Jesse Ventura. It also made a clown one of their senators – a man named Al Franken.



In terms you can understand: Politically, Minnesota is Lewis Carroll country. They have fallen down a rabbit hole, and they have have yet to come out again. These people make Wonderland seem reasonable.



Number two: You took the money. I don't care what you did with it, you took taxpayer money. In the middle of a recession. You claim you would have attended the event for far, far less. Did they make you take it? Did they hold you up at gunpoint and force a check on you? I don't care how you redistributed the cash, this was taxpayer money. If the public library couldn't burn through it in the time allotted, that was their problem.



Didn't you think it odd that a public library paid you more money than bigger talents would get for an entire science fiction convention? They used you to aid and abet government waste in a recession. You were an excuse to burn cash. Why? Best guess: In all likelihood, if the public library didn't spend the money, their budget next year would have been cut to match what they spent this year.



Number three: You're Neil Gaiman. Why are you getting into the muck and mire with hacks from Minnesota? Why? You did nothing illegal. Some Minnesotan called you names … highly unoriginal names … and you, you poor widdle baby, are up in arms over it. You declare yourself on a Republican “hate list.” Really? You're going to play the Nixon card? Let's avoid the fact that there must be more than one person for there to be a list. Also, just because the politician is a Republican, you're not a target of the Republican National committee. You're not Bill Clinton; there is no vast, right wing conspiracy out to get you. As far as I can tell, there's just one guy – one guy who you have decided to make far more interesting by engaging with him.



You, sir, are a writer. You should have a thicker skin than this.



In conclusion … What the hell are you doing? While I question the wisdom of taking the cash, and thus exposing yourself to this idiocy, you are now actively diving into the muck and mire that is the cesspool of Minnesota politics. Do you think that a guy from Minnesota will affect your popularity in any way? If you hadn't decided to engage, I probably would have never heard of the quote, the politician, and I might have been safe from hearing anything about Minnesota until the next time Al Franken ran for political office.



This isn't your problem. Whoever paid you the money “just to get rid of it” shouldn't have burned through the money because it was there. That person should be fired. While I question your wisdom in taking the cash, you did nothing against the law. Why are you defending yourself against a gnat?



Stop playing silly buggers with rejects from the madhouse. Just tell these idiots that you didn't set the price, and if they're going to insult you, tell them to hire Terry Prachett as their speechwriter.



Thank you.



PS: The only Republican I know who may have an opinion on you is President George W. Bush -- and that's only because he liked Babylon 5: a show you wrote for.