Showing posts with label star wars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label star wars. Show all posts

Thursday, August 27, 2015

I Have an Evil Plan, with Zahn, Ringo, and David.


Holidays are generally not great days for my blog traffic.  This upcoming labor day, that's a good thing, because I'm going to be at DragonCon.





Yes, DragonCon, in beautiful downtown Atlanta, Georgia.  You can check out their guest list here.





I intend to enjoy myself, and unleash my evil plan.





Okay, it's not necessarily evil, but it should be interesting.





For newcomers, It Was Only On Stun! is a murder mystery at a science fiction convention. And, since I've published this bloody book mostly through my own stubborn efforts, I'm going to try selling as much as possible, and one thing that would help would be blurbs from authors, giving me positive reviews. Really positive reviews.





In short, I hope to give a copy of my book to Peter David, Timothy Zahn, and John Ringo. Why these authors?  You mean aside from the fact that they are all kick-ass writers, and popular in the science fiction community?



Peter David and John Ringo have a similar sense of humor to mine ... or I developed my sense of humor by reading them, pick one.  I find Ringo inspiring, and David usually entertaining, when he's not putting his politics into it.



Timothy Zahn is "only" an amazing author, and most likely responsible for resurrecting Star Wars as a franchise (sadly, the book franchise might be the only reason Lucas felt comfortable trying the prequel trilogy.  Bonus: Zahn has gone everywhere that Lucas has, and has outperformed the little sot.)





Right now, my major hope for the convention is that I don't have security sicced on me for trying to hand an author a novel.  Signed, of course.





On the plus side, I know Peter David has out-and-out advocated this procedure, so I can at least tell him that I'm only following his own advice. 





On the other hand, if Zahn found it creepy, he could call the 501st Imperial Stormtrooper Legion (see my Sean Ryan Trailer.).



And John Ringo ... well, he's ex-82nd airborne, and legions of his fans are military vets. I really hope he doesn't mind. And that he likes the book.





It's going to be amusing.


Friday, January 30, 2015

Author Review: David Weber. FREE BOOKS.


We're back with another author review.  Remember, Baen books has a marketing gimmick. The theory is that if they allow books out for free online, it will prompt people to buy the books in real life. Below, I have assembled not only the lists of series and novels for each author, but also the link to each author's current novel series. You can download ANY of the books listed below.








David Weber writes so many series in so many worlds .... to quote him directly, he said that he wished he could break off parts of his personality so that they could write individual series; except that with his luck, they would spawn new spinoffs within those series, creating entire new storylines.



The most notable of his works is his Honor Harrington series-- a female space naval officer, usually worrying about 100-to-1 odds. Imagine the Napoleonic War done in space.













The Stars At War: giant insects with spaceships eat planets whole .... you know how hard it is to kill a cockroach? Add an interstellar armada, and there's not enough Raid in the galaxy to deal with them.





Stand Alone Books:





Empire from the Ashes---- What do you mean our moon has been replaced by a spaceship?





The Apocalypse Troll --- the lone survivor of a fleet from a hundred years in the future fell to earth in pursuit of a life pod that has a world-killing alien on board. They both fell through time and space... and now she has to kill it with allies in the 20th century. Assuming it doesn't kill everyone first.





The Excalibur Alternative-- humans make great mercenary soldiers... even if they are from the 16th century, abducted by aliens, and pressed into service.





In Fury Born--After 3,000 years of slumber, a Greek Fury stirs, awakened by a human whose own fury calls...


---------------------------------





His honor Harrington series is Horatio Hornblower meets Star Wars. I have it in recommended order of reading.





On Basilisk Station-- what do you do when you're a shiny new Captain who has to deal with a hostile crew, rioting civilians, an evil empire next door who wants your sector, and, oh, yeah, you've been left by yourself in the middle of the busiest sector in the galaxy with only one ship? Improvise.





The Honor of the Queen-- Honor Harrington is a female captain trying to save a world of semi-Mormons who think she's inferior, and has to defend them against an enemy of religious zealots who make her “allies” look tame.





The Short Victorious War --- Robert S. Pierre and his revolutionaries have created the People's Republic of Haven. Now it's time to flex their muscles.





Field of Dishonor -- What do you do when the people who are trying to kill you are the people in charge of the war you're fighting?




Flag in Exile


Honor Among Enemies


In Enemy Hands


Echoes of Honor


Ashes of Victory


War of Honor


---------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Honorverse Short story collection – it will explain a few things from the books here and there





More than Honor-- I'd recommend only the first story in this one. Seriously.


Worlds of Honor--- I suggest only the Weber stories here.


Changer of Worlds-- now things get interesting.


The Service of the Sword--- Even better.





Crown of Slaves – Takes two sets of characters from Changer of Worlds and Service of the Sword and brings them together against a common enemy.





Shadow of Saganami: Honor's graduating class from officer training has there own ship... and their own problems.





At All Costs--- Honor has lost an eye and an arm leading her Majesty's Navy... much like Admiral Nelson... and this is Trafalgar.





Monday, June 2, 2014

Music, Lists, Arrow, and Agents of SHIELD


I've been doing a lot of writing lately, though not here.  I've got Codename: Unsub to work on (the sequel to Codename: Winterborn), A Pius Stand to finish when the beta readers get back, and I'm working on Murphy's Law of Vampires, while I'm waiting for Damnation to get back to me on Honor At Stakes.



To start with, there is the list of Arrow vs. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.  And, damn, there were a lot of reasons.



There is also what we're not going to miss from the Star Wars expanded universe, courtesy of The Mouse.



You can check out any of my articles on The American Journal, if you feel like looking at me being cranky with the news, politics, politicians, life, that sort of thing, as I do my impersonation of a right-wing fringe lunatic.... or maybe just a lunatic.



If that's not enough, I've got a fun bit of music for you today.



Now, pardon me, I have to keep working. I hear that DC did something else stupid over the weekend that I have to rant and rage against.




Monday, November 19, 2012

Darth Donald and Padawan Mickey -- Disney eats Star Wars





It's a bit late to comment on Disney buying Star Wars from George Lucas, but there have been so many rumors and lies around the project, it's hard to know where to begin.



Item 1: Disney owns Star Wars, Lucas will be the creative consultant on Episodes 7, 8, and 9.  The Schwartz will be with Disney (Mel Brooks joke, ignore me).  Episode 7 is slated for 2015, putting it up against the next Avengers film, supposedly, a Justice League Film, so that'll be fun.



On the one hand, Disney seems to know what they're doing when it comes to franchises -- they acquired Marvel without destroying the Avengers Storyline -- no matter what the NYTimes whined about the Avengers film -- and have yet to ruin the marvel movies. So, we'll see.



Item 2: The writer for Toy Story 3 will be penning the script, and we don't seem to have a lock on the director yet.



This actually annoys me a bit.  Star Wars has enough writers with the books to write a whole television series -- were Michael J. Stackpole and Timothy Zahn too busy?  In fact, forget stackpole, I'll take Zahn.  No, I don't need to have The Heir to the Empire series Zahn wrote twenty years ago as episodes 7-9; for one thing, everyone is too bloody old. Unless, of course, you're going to recast everybody, in which case, we can have a party ...



Nathan Fillion as Han Solo anyone? Morena Baccarain as Princess Leia? Sean Maher as Luke Skywalker? Adam Baldwin as Darth Vader?



Oh, did I not mention that?



Item 3: THEY'RE BRINGING BACK DARTH VADER......



Ahem....



I'm really, deeply, seriously hoping this is a joke. A bad joke. Told by Fozzy of the Muppets.  Where's the "Wokka Wokka"?



Item 2 (Reprise) -- if you want to talk about writers, were Zahn or Stackpole asked? Were the writers of the Bioware videogames (who have made the best Star Wars stories outside of Zahn for the last 15 years) even considered? Or did they have the writer in mind when they started negotiations to buy the series?



Conclusion: I'm wary, but hopeful. Lucas is being shoved out of his own company. Creative consultants are what happened to Joe Quesada when he was replaced.



Disney may not screw up Star Wars even more than it already is. Here's hoping.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I Have an Evil Plan, with Zahn, Ringo, and David.


Holidays are generally not great days for my blog traffic.  This upcoming labor day, that's a good thing, because I'm going to be at DragonCon.





Yes, DragonCon, in beautiful downtown Atlanta, Georgia.  You can check out their guest list here.





I intend to enjoy myself, and unleash my evil plan.





Okay, it's not necessarily evil, but it should be interesting.





For newcomers, It Was Only On Stun! is a murder mystery at a science fiction convention. And, since I've published this bloody book mostly through my own stubborn efforts, I'm going to try selling as much as possible, and one thing that would help would be blurbs from authors, giving me positive reviews. Really positive reviews.





In short, I hope to give a copy of my book to Peter David, Timothy Zahn, and John Ringo. Why these authors?  You mean aside from the fact that they are all kick-ass writers, and popular in the science fiction community?



Peter David and John Ringo have a similar sense of humor to mine ... or I developed my sense of humor by reading them, pick one.  I find Ringo inspiring, and David usually entertaining, when he's not putting his politics into it.



Timothy Zahn is "only" an amazing author, and most likely responsible for resurrecting Star Wars as a franchise (sadly, the book franchise might be the only reason Lucas felt comfortable trying the prequel trilogy.  Bonus: Zahn has gone everywhere that Lucas has, and has outperformed the little sot.)





Right now, my major hope for the convention is that I don't have security sicced on me for trying to hand an author a novel.  Signed, of course.





On the plus side, I know Peter David has out-and-out advocated this procedure, so I can at least tell him that I'm only following his own advice. 





On the other hand, if Zahn found it creepy, he could call the 501st Imperial Stormtrooper Legion (see my Sean Ryan Trailer.).



And John Ringo ... well, he's ex-82nd airborne, and legions of his fans are military vets. I really hope he doesn't mind. And that he likes the book.





It's going to be amusing.


Monday, March 12, 2012

Music Blog: Lindsey Stirling and the Phantom Cellist


Just when you thought I couldn't find anything stranger online, you guessed wrong.

A brief search for Lindsey Stirling on this site will find you a very awesome and talented young lady who dances, prances, and moonwalks, all while playing the violin.

This is a cute video, and it comes from a lot of playing with Shadows.  You'll note that the light is on her face, almost head on with her, broadcasting a shadow on the wall to the left side of the screen .... yet the shadows at her feet are going to the right.  Even if you don't like the music, like the camera work.






Next .... this is just very strange.  Pretty much every bit of star wars music in one clip.  With some funny bits in between.



Monday, February 20, 2012

Author Review: David Weber. FREE BOOKS.


We're back with another author review.  Remember, Baen books has a marketing gimmick. The theory is that if they allow books out for free online, it will prompt people to buy the books in real life. Below, I have assembled not only the lists of series and novels for each author, but also the link to each author's current novel series. You can download ANY of the books listed below.


David Weber writes so many series in so many worlds .... to quote him directly, he said that he wished he could break off parts of his personality so that they could write individual series; except that with his luck, they would spawn new spinoffs within those series, creating entire new storylines.

The most notable of his works is his Honor Harrington series-- a female space naval officer, usually worrying about 100-to-1 odds. Imagine the Napoleonic War done in space.

http://baencd.thefifthimperium.com/17-StormfromtheShadowsCD/StormfromtheShadowsCD/

The Stars At War: giant insects with spaceships eat planets whole .... you know how hard it is to kill a cockroach? Add an interstellar armada, and there's not enough Raid in the galaxy to deal with them.

Stand Alone Books:

Empire from the Ashes---- What do you mean our moon has been replaced by a spaceship?


The Apocalypse Troll --- the lone survivor of a fleet from a hundred years in the future fell to earth in pursuit of a life pod that has a world-killing alien on board. They both fell through time and space... and now she has to kill it with allies in the 20th century. Assuming it doesn't kill everyone first.


The Excalibur Alternative-- humans make great mercenary soldiers... even if they are from the 16th century, abducted by aliens, and pressed into service.

In Fury Born--After 3,000 years of slumber, a Greek Fury stirs, awakened by a human whose own fury calls...


---------------------------------

His honor Harrington series is Horatio Hornblower meets Star Wars. I have it in recommended order of reading.

On Basilisk Station-- what do you do when you're a shiny new Captain who has to deal with a hostile crew, rioting civilians, an evil empire next door who wants your sector, and, oh, yeah, you've been left by yourself in the middle of the busiest sector in the galaxy with only one ship? Improvise.

The Honor of the Queen-- Honor Harrington is a female captain trying to save a world of semi-Mormons who think she's inferior, and has to defend them against an enemy of religious zealots who make her “allies” look tame.

The Short Victorious War --- Robert S. Pierre and his revolutionaries have created the People's Republic of Haven. Now it's time to flex their muscles.

Field of Dishonor -- What do you do when the people who are trying to kill you are the people in charge of the war you're fighting?

Flag in Exile

Honor Among Enemies

In Enemy Hands

Echoes of Honor

Ashes of Victory

War of Honor


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Honorverse Short story collection – it will explain a few things from the books here and there

More than Honor-- I'd recommend only the first story in this one. Seriously.

Worlds of Honor--- I suggest only the Weber stories here.

Changer of Worlds-- now things get interesting.

The Service of the Sword--- Even better.


Crown of Slaves – Takes two sets of characters from Changer of Worlds and Service of the Sword and brings them together against a common enemy.


Shadow of Saganami: Honor's graduating class from officer training has there own ship... and their own problems.

At All Costs--- Honor has lost an eye and an arm leading her Majesty's Navy... much like Admiral Nelson... and this is Trafalgar.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Coming soon to A Pius Man, 2012


There are plenty of joys to writing. Not so much to writing a constant blog.  Possibly the biggest mistake thus far was trying to make the blog into a three day a week affair. I've kept up that pace for almost a year now, and I'm actually starting to run out of things to day. Which is odd, considering all of the strange and sundry things running around my head.

Right now, I'm trying to design a few things for the website, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed about several of them.


On the one hand, I'm hoping to make some more videos. If you haven't seen the ones I've made yet, well, I suggest you look to the right -- I had fun making them, perhaps you'll enjoy watching them. One example is right here-- the Scott Murphy trailer.

Since I can't draw, and none of local areas are photogenic enough to look like something in Rome, I need people.  Unfortunately, relying on people to show up when they say they will has never been my strong suit. Possibly because I've usually had to invite anyone three months in advance just to get them anywhere in large numbers.

So, there's that.

Next, I'm working on interviews.  I jumped on the chance to review some novels, and I recently discovered that they come with the option of getting my hands on some of the writers. And trust me, some of these people, I want to get my hands on.  I know some other authors who want to get their hands on these writers as well -- for completely different reasons.

So, that's also up in the air.

Not to mention that I'm also working on my two Examiner.com columns -- in Self Defense and "Catholic."

In short, I've got a lot of various and sundry stuff I have in mind, a lot of it is contingent on the the cooperation of other people, not to mention the stuff I'm actually being paid to write. (Speaking of which, please feel free to frequent those articles. I get paid per reader. Please?)

So .... I've got some strange and wondrous things planned -- now it's time to see who I can get my hands on and make sure it all happens.

Wish me luck.

Be well all.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Coming soon to A Pius Man, 2012


There are plenty of joys to writing. Not so much to writing a constant blog.  Possibly the biggest mistake thus far was trying to make the blog into a three day a week affair. I've kept up that pace for almost a year now, and I'm actually starting to run out of things to day. Which is odd, considering all of the strange and sundry things running around my head.



Right now, I'm trying to design a few things for the website, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed about several of them.





On the one hand, I'm hoping to make some more videos. If you haven't seen the ones I've made yet, well, I suggest you look to the right -- I had fun making them, perhaps you'll enjoy watching them. One example is right here-- the Scott Murphy trailer.



Since I can't draw, and none of local areas are photogenic enough to look like something in Rome, I need people.  Unfortunately, relying on people to show up when they say they will has never been my strong suit. Possibly because I've usually had to invite anyone three months in advance just to get them anywhere in large numbers.



So, there's that.



Next, I'm working on interviews.  I jumped on the chance to review some novels, and I recently discovered that they come with the option of getting my hands on some of the writers. And trust me, some of these people, I want to get my hands on.  I know some other authors who want to get their hands on these writers as well -- for completely different reasons.



So, that's also up in the air.



Not to mention that I'm also working on my two Examiner.com columns -- in Self Defense and "Catholic."



In short, I've got a lot of various and sundry stuff I have in mind, a lot of it is contingent on the the cooperation of other people, not to mention the stuff I'm actually being paid to write. (Speaking of which, please feel free to frequent those articles. I get paid per reader. Please?)



So .... I've got some strange and wondrous things planned -- now it's time to see who I can get my hands on and make sure it all happens.



Wish me luck.



Be well all.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Music Blog: Lindsey Stirling and the Phantom Cellist


Just when you thought I couldn't find anything stranger online, you guessed wrong.



A brief search for Lindsey Stirling on this site will find you a very awesome and talented young lady who dances, prances, and moonwalks, all while playing the violin.



This is a cute video, and it comes from a lot of playing with Shadows.  You'll note that the light is on her face, almost head on with her, broadcasting a shadow on the wall to the left side of the screen .... yet the shadows at her feet are going to the right.  Even if you don't like the music, like the camera work.









Next .... this is just very strange.  Pretty much every bit of star wars music in one clip.  With some funny bits in between.



Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Characters answering surveys: Wilhelmina Goldberg


Have you ever gotten an internet survey?  It has strange questions like your favorite foods, and flavors, that sort of thing.



Ever wondered what would happen if you had a novel character answer one of those?



I decided to have a little fun this week, so I decided to fill one of them out .... as my character Wilhelmina Goldberg -- Secret Service Agent, Tech-expert, and all around barrel of laughs.  I haven't mentioned her in a while, so she's due.



[More below the break]






***********




1) Your Name: Wilhelmina Goldberg

2) Nicknames: Villie

3) City where you live?: Washington DC, when I'm there.

4) School?: Polytech

5) Parents Names?:  Mom and Dad

6) Eye color?: Hazel

7) Hair?: Whatever I decide it is

8)Pets?: Does a roomate count?

9) Siblings?: Too many

10) Best Friends: My computer. I call him Hal.  He talks like Viggo Mortensen

12) Best Enemies: Vista / Bill Gates.

13) Can you dance?: Not really

14) Saddest moment in recent memory: When Steve Jobs died



Favorite TV Shows

Comedy: Whenever Bill Gates has a press conference

Drama: Doctor Who

Reality Show: Sons of Guns

Science fiction show: "Numbers"

Favorite car show: either Top Gear, or Knightrider.



Favorite actor: Orlando Bloom



Favorite novel: Lord of the Rings



Most desired gadget: Sonic Screwdriver.



Most desired recreational toy: One I can't program, you mean?  A lightsaber. I have some people I need to negotiate with. It would come in handy



WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING: Timothy Zahn's Star Wars novels. All of them.



WHAT CD's ARE IN YOUR PLAYER RIGHT NOW?: You mean the playlist on my I-pod?  Tom Smith.



WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?: "The Men of Lord of the Rings."  I photoshopped it myself



FAVORITE BOARD GAME?: Boards? They used boards before computers? Leave me alone, I have Warhammer.



FAVORITE MAGAZINES: Security Magazine



FAVORITE SMELLS?: A warm hard drive



BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?:  Showing up at a new place .



WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: Being ordered to fortify the security of someone who won't listen to a damn thing I say.  I'm looking at you, Saudi Ambassador.



ROLLER COASTER SCARY OR EXCITING?: I can't bring my laptop on board. They suck.



HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?: I don't do rings. I program the tunes to various themes of Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Star Wars, and Babylon 5, usually depending on who it is.  Sometimes I'll let it go to voicemail so I can listen to the whole tune...



FUTURE CHILD' NAME? Sean Luke, and Arwyn.




DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? I grew up in New York, I don't drive, really.



DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? My harddrive



STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? They screw up my Wifi!!!



WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? : The C train, if you want to be picky



IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE:  Stephen Hawking. He needs a good talking to.



FAVORITE DRINK? Slivovitz



EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: Yes, but David Tennant isn't taking my calls.




WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? My go-bags



FAVORITE COLOR CLOTHES TO WEAR:  Black. Makes my job easier.



Do you believe in Heaven/Hell: I've been to Hell on assignment. There is lots of sand there.



Who is the person(s) you despise most?: Bill Gates

What is your computer desk made of? I don't need desks. I have a lap.

What did you do last night?: Rewrote Windows 7. Now it runs more like a Mac.

Dream car?: Kitt, only fully wired with voice commands and net access.

Have you ever won any special awards?: Yes. But the NSA won't let me have them back.

Fast or slow?: Faster the better, because they're usually shooting at me.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Music Blog: John Williams marches

I figured that this was going to be one of two items today: another character filling in another survey, or a music blog.

You're in luck: music.

First: the march of the Wedding Party at one of my friend's wedding last year .....

The theme to Superman....

Mainly because his wife forbade Star Wars. Otherwise, it would have been the Imperial March




And, speaking of Star Wars ...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Review: Infinite Space, Infinite God II




[A Review of Infinite Space, Infinite God II, a science fiction anthology of Catholic-related tales. Edited by Robert and Karina Fabian ]



One of the themes of this blog is that I try not to get too religious. Most of my consistent readers are not Catholic, or even Christian, so it just won't fly. And, as I've said before, the most I really want to do with this blog is possibly explain the utter insanity that is my religion …. which, as far as some religions go, might be the most reasonable (And if you don't believe me, look up the Aztecs, and the Roman cult of Mithras).



Infinite Space, Infinite God II, however, fits in perfectly well with the rubric. It's not preachy. And there is not even a whiff, a hint, a suggestion, of pro-Catholic propaganda. In fact, the entire premise of this book is that systems fail, fall apart, and don't solve everything, leaving it up to individuals. Sometimes, an individual combined with faith, and sometimes not.



Sometimes, the individual isn't even human.





Welcome to the world of Catholic science fiction.  And, in case you were wondering, yes, there are Catholic science fiction nerds, as evidenced by my DragonCon posts on this blog.



This is not, mercifully, one of those books where you have to be Catholic to understand everything. In fact, aside from a few in-jokes, this is not a book that requires you know Catholic theology—one of the authors is a Presbyterian Minister. Far as I can tell, if you don't mind having Catholics as the good guys, this book is quite enjoyable. This doesn't even require a belief in God.... but it doesn't hurt, either



The sense of humor in some is almost sly. You don't need to be Catholic to understand the actual jokes, though there are some bits where there are Catholic in-jokes.



Karina Fabian's tale of interstellar rescue nuns includes their base convent as being the Convent of Joseph du Cupertino—the patron saint of pilots. Most relevant jokes are spelled out: one ship is called the Mark 16, even though there were only seven models—only to discover that it's actually Mark 16:18...



Let's just say that I've never seen “Snakes on a Star ship.”



There was also a question from an alien to a nun that started


“What do the wings on the hat signify? Something to do with aviation?"

"This is a full habit."

"I didn't ask how often you wore it."



It's cute.



However, one of the more interesting parts of this collection is that it's a science fiction story that uses—gasp—science. We get to keep inertia, Kepler's laws, and no, you are not going to rewrite history as a time traveler. Thank you.



(If you are not an active science fiction fan, let's just say that finding science in science fiction can, occasionally, be hit-or-miss. There are Baen novels, some of which use so many scientific elements that they have physicists co-writing books, and then there's Star Wars and Star Trek media … don't even ask).



Now, to be fair, this comes with the usual mixed bag in any anthology. There are one or two stories that I read and didn't think came up to the standard set by the editors' own tales. I don't know if they were feeling charitable, or if they just really liked “The moral of the story.” The biggest, and I mean the biggest, problem with this anthology is actually … in the introductions. Some of the story intros push a little too hard in trying to explain the moral of the story, and some even give away the ending. But then, if that's the biggest problem with this book, it's not that big at all, when compared to the fun of the rest of it.



If the editors are reading, a simple word of warning for the next volume: stop trying so hard. The story will sell itself. And if you don't think it does, move the introduction of each story to the end of each tale. That's it. “Problem” solved.



And, in this entire collection, I can only suggest skipping two stories. That's it, two. Well, one and a half, really.



The opening tale, The Ghosts of Kourion, is so full of exposition, and takes place so much inside of the protagonist's head, that I can't honestly recommend it. I got bored, and moved on.  And, to be honest, I'm not a big fan of anthologies, considering how variable the quality can be.  I was very tempted to give up on the entire book, if Ghosts of Kourion was going to be an example.  It might be me, but I couldn't really get into it...



And then I read the Karina Fabian tale Antivenin … referred to above as “Snakes on a Star Ship.” Rescue nuns and poisonous snakes. In zero-gravity.  It was fun.  It was a nice, solid adventure.  Though I did expect there to be a line that read "I am sick and tired of these .... snakes on this .... star ship."



It made up for "Ghosts of Kourion," in spades.



As for the rest of the stories, well …



An Exercise in Logic: A nun brought in to argue for saving a few thousand people, in a logic game of chicken.  The alien race's argument? “Yes, we could save this planet … how do you know that the aftereffects won't endanger more people?”   And I can't quibble about a nun who has to fight the urge to slip into the vocabulary of a sailor.  It was entertaining and amusing.  And the ending was cute.



As I mentioned before, I'm a bit of a philosophy nerd, so this one appealed to me. The philosopher Kant once argued that since you can't see all of the ripple effects of your decisions, saying that the ends justify the means is an invalid premise. This story deals with an alien race that argues, The name of Kant is never mentioned, but I liked this one if only for the premise alone.



However, the funniest part of this story may be in the brief bio on author Barton Paul Levenson, who is, in fact, Presbyterian, not Catholic.



However, the best line of the story: "You can't pray to your god in here! This is the Ecumenical Temple! Stop it at once!"



And there will be no fighting in the war room ....



Cathedral (Author: Tamara Wilhite) A short summary of this one could be “Blade Runner goes to church.” A biologically engineered soldier has a limited lifespan, and only has a few months left to try to extend her lifespan ... or to make her life mean something.



This was a very well-designed story, with a nice punchline.  The setup was nice, and the takedown was well executed.  It was touching.  I generally despise "touching," but this one worked for me quite well.



Otherworld (author, Karina Fabian, one of the editors): Remember when I mentioned that there was one and a half stories I would not recommend? This is the half.



The premise here is that there's a Jesuit doing missionary work in virtual reality (VR) … like a net chat room, complete with trolls (not literal … okay, some of them are literal). Imagine that a VR World of Warcraft, or perhaps Second Life, can be so addicting, it can cause the user to fall in and never come out.



I like this premise. Honest. I like the idea of VR missionaries. And how can you not enjoy a story that has a line like “I've just left a discussion on Catholic Social Justice with a white rabbit, a raven and a hamster. I feel very close to St. Francis at the moment”?



However, the main problem isn't the author, or the story, but the narrator. Our protagonist, a Jesuit priest, is a very, very serious fellow. I understood the character's problems because I'm Catholic, and while I even agreed with what our first-person narrator preached, the way it was delivered was in a rote fashion, without thought or explanation to the audience. Why do I blame the narrator, and not the author? Because Karina Fabian is also the author of Antivenin, noted above, which was a fairly excellent story.



And, yes, I'm a mildly schizophrenic author who sees no problem blaming a character as a completely separate entity from the person who writes him.  We've covered this before.


The Battle of the Narthex (Alex Lobdell): I loved this one, it was hilarious. It had intergalactic politics, alien princes going to mass, an old bodyguard who wants to get away from cutthroat palace politics, military tactics, an assassination squad, and motion sensor flush toilets as a threat to invisibility camouflage units. And we get to see a “Come holy spirit” banner on fire.

Imagine the Catholic church from the point of view an alien, and you get something that looks like my “Catholic Cannibals”post from a while ago. There is no theology in this one at all, and the protagonist of this one is an old alien soldier who's an atheist … but there is a nice little touch at the end...

Let's just say that Father Brown would be proud.



Tenniel (Colleen Drippé): In the future, when humanity meets alien worlds, there will be alien converts. In this story, an alien Catholic Bishop comes face to face with one of the local alien “pagans,” who is intent on wiping out the “alien faith,” and any who worship it. The barbarians here really are at the gates, and they are pissed.



I suggest you skip the introduction on this story altogether, since it gives away the ending, and pushes far too hard on the moral of the story. The story speaks for itself. 



I'm thinking ... Constantine.



And not Keanu Reeves.



Tin Servants (J Sherer). In 2147, a Catholic priest has gone undercover as an android soldier being shipped into Africa, and what happens when, for once, the human has to act like an android, instead of vice versa. 



It's a nice inversion of cliches.  In the grand tradition of science fiction, it deals with a lot of modern problems with a fictional guise. Though in this case, the guise is a thin gauze. Not that I'm complaining. Half the science fiction I read lately seems to have a light crust of science over a Grand Canyon of politics—Tin Servants is downright subtle in comparison. There isn't much in the way of theology here, and that's a good thing. It's nice and low key and elegant, with a solid punchline you won't see coming.



Basilica (John Rundle). I loved this story. Up until this point in the collection, I thought that Antivenin alone would justify the cost of this book.  This was just as good.  Possibly better



This story is very much like a Doctor Who episode. To prevent a super-weapon from falling into the hands of ancient heretics, a priest has to hijack a star ship and fend off a boarding party of killing machines.



Basically, run.



Cloned to Kill (Derwin Mak): A military clone named Lorraine … hiding in St. Joan of Arc church … and she hears voices.  Enough said.  This one was fairly awesome, and very well constructed.



Frankie Phones Home (Karina Fabian). This was a cute story, told mostly in the form of dialogue – imagine if the kid from E.T. went along with his friendly neighborhood alien back to his home planet … and then came back.



Dyads (Ken Pick and Alan Loewen) – Premise: Catholicism doesn't mesh with non-human species, but we can all get along.  However, when a missionary from a backwater sect decides to covert the local "heathens" his way, interstellar diplomacy can get messy. 



The nice part about this one is that the culture shock isn't human to alien, but two religions (one human, one alien) looking at a third and saying "Wow, are you weird or what?"



Dyads takes time to really get going, but it's ultimately worth it. There are some details that are a touch overwritten, and there were some sections where I would have liked dialogue, not exposition. But if you ever wanted to see what would happen with interstellar cultural misunderstandings and missionaries, you have an interesting story here. Ultimately, it's quite touching. As I said above, this is coming from someone who typically holds standard “cute and cuddly” in the highest disdain.



Oh, and fair warning - - there are furries.  Tall, bipedel, fox-like furries.  They're aliens, but still, you have been warned.....



At the end of the day, if you like science fiction, you'll enjoy this book. It's worth the price of admission, and I'd even pay money for it, even though I already have a digital copy.



And if you don't want to take my word for it, I'm sure other people can give you a second opinion.



And, now, you get several samples from Infinite Space, Infinite God II












Excerpt from "Antivenin" by Karina Fabian:





No, Ann was not durak. Now if Rita could just keep from doing anything lethally stupid. She grabbed the line, gave it a tug of her own to make sure it was secure, and pulled herself to the Mark 16:18.



Once inside the other ship, they exited the suits, positioning them for emergency donning. Then Rita set up the rescue balloons: nanomylar bags large enough to hold a man. Once sealed, a small motor generated air and heat for thirty minutes--an hour with an expansion pack. She pulled out the retractable strap on her medical kit and slung it over her shoulder.



Ann, meanwhile, had tried to contact the pilot and passenger both via the intercom and by yelling down the hall. Nothing.



Sr. Thomas spoke over their headsets. "Small asteroids coming. Brace yourself!"



They managed to grab the threshold just as the ship jinxed wildly to the left.



Sr. Thomas called, "At least two more, but you have a couple of minutes. Ann, can you disable those sensors before we jerk that tow line off?"



Rita's stomach clutched at the thought. "You go to engineering. I'll search for wounded."



Ann hurried down the corridor, while Rita followed more slowly, opening each door to scan the room. The ship was larger than she'd expected: six doors on each side led to rooms that had been converted to storage. Most were packed wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with an empty strip just wide enough for a person to pull something off a shelf and carry it out. She wondered what kind of cargo the ship carried.



It was eerily quiet, with nothing but the background hum of the engine, the hissing of doors and the sound of her own footsteps. What had happened to the crew?



"Rita! I found someone in the center compartment. He's unconscious. Respiration shallow. He's drooling a lot. I've never seen anything like it."



"Ann, pull up your collar, now." She pulled at the collar of her own skinsuit. The tightly compacted fibers stretched until the fabric covered her mouth and nose. She pressed along her nose and cheeks with thumb and forefinger, creating a seal. The fabric, actually a sophisticated biofilter, would enable her to breathe while blocking most airborne hazards. "Make him comfortable. I'm on my way. If there's nothing you can do, go on to engineering."



"I thought I heard something in the port corridor. I'm going to check that first."



"But if the tow line breaks--"



"Basilica has more. Tommie will catch us again."



It only took Rita a minute to get down the long hall, through the pie-shaped galley room and into the central hub. Ann had set the man upright against the wall and put a slap-patch on his cheek: Oxyboost and a mild stimulant. A second patch read his vital signs.



Rita knelt beside him and puzzled over his stats. They looked more like poisoning than a virus. His face was slack, eyelids drooping. She lifted one. The dilated pupils responded sluggishly to the bright light of the room.



Sr. Thomas called over the headset: "Brace!"



Rita braced one hand on each side of the victim. Again the ship jerked. Rita heard the metallic sound of dishes sliding and clattering to the floor. The man bumped against her arms, but did not fall.



Sr. Thomas said, "One more coming. You've got about two minutes-thirty, maybe three."



"Ann?"



"I'm fine. I definitely heard something this time. Last room on the left, port corridor. Door's jammed."



The man was stirring feebly now, but not enough to help. Rita muscled him around until she could get her arms under his and drag him back to the rescue bag. Despite the months of heavy exercise, she was panting from exertion as she all but dumped him into the nanomylar bag. The man forced a moan. His hand twitched and bumped her.



"Be still. We'll get you to our ship where we can treat you."



He tapped the floor: three slow, two fast. Universal Space Code for "Attention."



"You want to tell me something? Go ahead. I'm listening." They'd drilled the universal tap code daily in her training, and at the convent Mother Superior declared "tap code hours" to keep everyone in practice. It had annoyed her no end, but she was glad of it now.



But he tapped, "No. Look. Attention."



"All right. I'm watching your hand." Slowly, as if it took great will, he spelled:



A...

N...

T...

I..



"Anti?"



Ann called, "Got it! Opening the door now."



V...

E...

N...

O...

M



"Antivenom? What?" Was he hallucinating? She pulled up his sleeves, then his pantlegs.



"Rita?" Ann's voice was a thin ghost of a wail. "Serpents..."



Two small puncture marks, like pinpricks around a slightly swelled area.



"Annie. Just walk out quickly but calmly--"



"Brace!" Sr. Thomas called.



The ship swung, knocking Rita off balance. Through the headset and the ship, she heard Ann scream.




Excerpt from "An Exercise in Logic " by Barton Levenson:



In her room, Julian pored over data she had downloaded from the honendo library. She aligned pictures of a honendo, a desli, a meschottu, and a human. The first three had tails, the human didn't. Tails? Could it be that simple?

Don't be stupid. Look at the other similarities. The three alien species were all reptiles, and all about the same size -- the human picture on the same scale was shorter than the others. All three alien species were egg-layers, and that was probably a big part of the picture. If reproductive physiology was as important to them as it was to humans, that might be the key. The religious primers she had looked through often used a picture of an egg to illustrate existence. Their writers talked about the inside of the shell of the sky when talking about astronomy. And even though their written symbol for "zero" was a sort of check mark rather than a circle, the word for zero (sfuh) also meant "egg."

Doesn't matter. Whatever the difference is, they don't believe humans can produce a luendo. It's a dead end. Think of something else.

* * *

Seventeen days to go.

"How many worlds do the honendo still occupy?" Julian asked the High Council.

Greddil replied, "If you mean how many have a honendo majority, I'd say about eight, isn't that right, Rann?"

"Eight is correct," said Rann.

"But there are over a hundred worlds and habitats with at least a few honendo on them," added Greddil. "Used to be millions, but we've declined since then."

"Do your people ever indulge in interstellar travel?" asked Julian.

"It has been known to happen."

"Then I submit to you that there could be honendo on New Canaan now, even as we speak, and one of them may have laid an egg. The egg may contain a fetal luendo."

"It doesn't seem very likely," said Greddil. "But I'll put a request through TravelNet. It may take a few days to get an answer."

Uh oh. There went her argument, except in the unlikely case that she was right. "Does TravelNet keep tabs on every individual honendo?"

"Of course," said Greddil.

* * *

Thirteen days to go.

"I have researched legal precedents," said Julian. "Please take note of the case In the Matter of Charril, 11,319,255. The court held that Charril had, and I quote, 'The legal, moral and religious duty to render aid,' and that she had failed egregiously in not warning the family of the defect in the robot's programming."

"You raise an interesting point," said Greddil. "We do respect court decisions here. Will you hold on a moment while I review the case?"

"Certainly."

Greddil manipulated something on the bench. It was too high for Julian to see if he had a Pad or used something built in to the surface in front of him.

After a while, Greddil said, "The court referred to the earlier precedent of Honendo Sphere of Enlightenment v. Drann 5,123,582, which said that the legal, moral and religious duty to render aid was implied by the duties to one's family, and that all living honendo were ultimately to be regarded as one family in such matters."

"Surely that distinction is not pertinent," said Julian. "In a larger sense, are not all sentient beings creations of the gods, or as my beliefs have it, of God? And are they not all, therefore, to be regarded as one family in the sense required? A great expounder of my religion, anticipating the coming days of space travel, said, 'Those who are, or can become his sons, are my brothers even if they have tusks or feelers'."

"Well, that's very nice, but note that the Honendo really are biologically related to one another, having all come from the same evolutionary ecology. We and humans did not come from the same ecology and are not really related."

"You're not related to desli or meschottu either, but they can produce luendos, can't they?"

"Yes, but humans cannot."

"Why not?"

"It should be obvious," said Greddil. "You're not our type."

"But don't you see Lewis's point? It's not the physical things that matter. What makes someone a person is the ability to reason and make moral decisions, not how they're shaped or what color they are or what planet they come from!"

"That may be," said Greddil. "But we have no legal precedent for saying so."

* * *

Eight days to go.

Julian said, "Imagine a polity coming together from a state of nature in which individuals of many species are forming a government. They have to make their social system function fairly. They deliberately adopt a veil of blindness -- they do not know, beforehand, which roles they will occupy in the new society. Is it not obvious that they would not institute rules making one species the masters and another slaves? Because with the veil of blindness, they might wind up as the slaves!"

"I see your point without taking its significance," said Greddil.

"People should be treated with a presumption of equality whatever planet they come from. I submit that it is immoral to treat humans differently from honendo based solely on the fact that they are of different species."

"Based on the social contract you envision?" asked Greddil.

"Yes."

"But, you know, societies don't really form that way," he said gently. He began to talk about anthropology.

* * *

Five days to go. "At T minus two days we're going in," said Captain Todd. "It's against my orders and I'll undoubtedly be court-martialed for it. But I don't give a damn if the library gets blown, and I certainly don't care about my career path. I'm not going to stand by and let thousands of innocent people be wiped out. T minus two days, and I'll grab those honendo bastards by the scruff of the neck and make them give us the recall code."

"If the library wipes its memory it may wipe the recall code as well," said Julian.

"Unless one of them already knows it."

"Why would they?"

"To be prepared in case they change their minds!" said the captain. "If I were in their situation, I would want to know the code."

"But you can't be sure."

"No, I can't be sure. But it's a better chance than doing nothing and allowing all those people to die!"

"Perhaps you're right," said Julian. A thought occurred to her. "How, exactly, would you make the priest give up the code?"

"Have you ever heard of waterboarding?"

* * *

Three days to go.

"Tomorrow, if you have not recalled the asteroid, Captain Todd is planning to blast in here, capture you, and get the code out of you," said Julian.

Greddil looked at each of his companions. "Are you referring to the use of military force?"

"Yes."

"The Temple Guard will fight them."

"The Temple Guard will lose." Julian looked down. "Captain Todd didn't want me to say anything, and I haven't told him that I'm telling you this. But I'm telling you because I don't want it to happen! They're planning to torture you on the chance that one of you might know the recall code."

"None of us know it," said Greddil. "It's in the library. And the library will wipe if anyone forces their way in here."

"You will never convince Captain Todd that none of you know the code. Your library will be destroyed and so will each of you if you don't call off the asteroid."

"An argument by the use of force is no argument at all," said Greddil. "It is a logical fallacy. It cannot determine truth."

"I know that! I don't want to see it happen! It wasn't my idea to threaten you! But it's not up to me. Please, I beg you -- save human lives, and honendo lives. Recall the asteroid."

"I'm sorry, not under the threat of force." Greddil smiled. "I was coming to like you, Sister Julian. You plural, I mean; humans. This destroys any respect I had for you. Of course we will not change our minds if threatened. If anything, it will only make us more adamant."

* * *

T minus 51 hours.

Greddil yawned. The priests on either side of him also looked sleepy, with drooping eyelids. "You wish to see us at this ungodly hour?"

"In three hours Captain Todd is going to launch his assault," said Julian. "They didn't want to let me out of the ship; I had to sneak out with the help of a crewman."

"What do you want of us?"

"To recall the asteroid."

"I'm sorry, I see no reason to do so."

Julian said, "Then I will pray until you do." And with that she knelt on the floor and brought her hands together in front of her lips. "Father in Heaven, please move the hard heart of this man to protect your children who are in danger from the unholy wrath of this dead empire. Break their hearts of stone and give them hearts of flesh. Let them know the despair of your children as doom approaches, and let a little love bloom in their hearts. Make them--"

The honendo priests had watched in growing astonishment as Julian prayed. "Here! Here!" said Ahherril, the sociologist and philosopher. "You can't pray to your god in here! This is the Ecumenical Temple! Stop it at once!"






Excerpt from "Cloned to Kill" by Derwin Mak



Lorraine, a clone who has escaped from a cloning lab and sought sanctuary in a church, has been watching a baptism.

Lorraine had been standing by the statue and watching the baptism. A woman wearing a blue jacket and skirt stood with her. Father Markham approached them.

“That was a beautiful ceremony,” the woman said.

Markham said, “Thank you, Sister Clara.” He turned to Lorraine. “What did you think about it?”

“Is it part of the human experience?” Lorraine asked.

“For some humans, it is,” Markham said.

Sister Clara said, “I’m going to call the Big Chicken Coop. What do you want?”

“The usual,” Father Markham said.

“The roast quarter chicken dinner,” said Lorraine.

“Gravy with your French fries again?” Clara asked.

“Gravy,” said Father Markham.

“I will have baked potato with sour cream instead of the French fries,” Lorraine said.

“Money,” Clara demanded.

“Oh, yes,” Markham said as he gave his money card to Clara. “It’s still got fifty dollars.”

“That should be enough,” the nun said as she took the card. “I’ll call the Big Chicken Coop and go pick up the order. I’ll be back soon.”

She turned to Lorraine. “Place the plates and knives and forks on the table, like I showed you, will you?” Lorraine nodded. Clara left for her car, leaving Lorraine alone with Father Markham.

“Is it true that only humans can be baptized?” Lorraine asked. “Sister Clara told me that you do not baptize animals or equipment.”

Father Markham had noticed that when Lorraine was fighting, she spoke in an angry, emotional tone. But when she was calm, she spoke in an emotionless monotone. She never seemed happy, and she never smiled. This had to be due to a life without family, friends, and schoolmates, a life of only neuro-programming and combat training, Markham thought. “That’s true, only human beings can be baptized,” Markham replied.

“Was the baby human before he was baptized?”

“Of course, he was.”

“Then why does he need to be baptized if he was already human?” Lorraine asked.

“While it’s true that only humans can be baptized, baptism does not make someone human,” Markham explained. “Baptism is for people who are already human. It’s a ceremony of purification and entry into the Christian community.”

“Purification? Was that baby impure?”

“In a limited sense. He was born with original sin. The baptism is a remission of original sin.”

“Original sin. I read about it in L'Osservatore Romano in your library. Sister Clara talked about it with me. It is a general condition of sinfulness into which all humans are born. However, I am not sure how it exists and works,” Lorraine said. “Unlike you, I was not born from humans. I was cloned from a donor’s cell. Do I have original sin?”

“I think you do, and for once, I think that’s wonderful,” Markham said.

“Wonderful? How can being sinful be wonderful?”

“Because it means you’re human.”

“Only inside this church. I am non-human outside it,” Lorraine said. She paused for a moment and asked, “Father, if I am truly human, will you baptize me?”

She was unsmiling and unemotional as usual when she asked about baptism. She did not fully appreciate people’s feelings for life’s milestones. Not yet.

“I’ll baptize you if you are willing to learn and join the Christian community. The choice is yours.”

“Perhaps I can do that. I will read more articles in L'Osservatore Romano.”

“You might have to read more than L'Osservatore Romano,” Markham said. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you recite the names of the sacred monkeys in the Vatican.”

“If the monkeys in the Vatican are sacred, have they been baptized?” asked Lorraine.

Markham wondered if Lorraine had developed a sense of humor.

***

The rectory was in a house separated from the church but still within the church grounds. In the rectory, Father Markham, Sister Clara, and Lorraine again dined on take-out food from the Big Chicken Coop.

“What do you say when I pass the bread to you?” Markham asked.

Lorraine took the basket of bread. “Thank you?”

“That’s right. You’re learning.”

Lorraine bit into the bun.

Father Markham felt happy about Lorraine’s progress. Her neuro-programming and combat training had included no social graces, but she was learning them faster than he had expected.

“So how was your day?” Clara asked.

“Why do you need to know?” Lorraine said in her flat, emotionless tone.

“It’s just something people do when they eat together. They make ‘small talk,’ harmless conservation about things that happened,” explained Clara.

“Oh, okay,” Lorraine said. “I heard the voice in my head again.”

“Do you recognize the voice? Do you know whose it is yet?”

“No, I do not. All I know is that it is a man’s voice.”

Father Markham took a sip of wine. “Does it remind you of a voice you heard during neuro-programming?”

“I do not remember.”

“Could it be an instructor at the mercenary training camp?”

“No, it is not one of them. They are within my recent memory. I would remember them.”

After the dinner, Father Markham brought a decanter of port to the table. Drinking port after dinner was a tradition of Canadian military officers’ messes.

“May I have some port too?” Lorraine asked.

Father Markham shook his head. “You’re too young. Do you want coffee or tea?”

Lorraine shook her head and stood up. “No, I will go back into the church and look at the statue.”

“Don’t leave the church grounds,” Father Markham said. “The Clymene Biogenesis people might try to capture you.”

“I can protect myself if they try to capture me,” Lorraine said.

“I know you can,” said Markham. “It’s your enemies I’m worried about.”

“All right,” said Lorraine as she left the room.

As Sister Clara poured some port into her glass, she said, “She seems to like that statue of St. Joan of Arc. I think she identifies with St. Joan after reading about her in The Lives of the Saints.”

“Like St. Joan, she hears voices in her head,” Father Markham observed.

“At least she doesn’t think it’s God’s voice. We get enough people hearing Him,” said Clara.

“I suspect the voice is someone she remembers from her neuro-programming. I’ve heard of other neuro-programmed and force-grown clones experiencing voices or visions. Some of them become mentally ill due to the way they grow up. After Lorraine was created, her creators force-grew her to a sixteen-year-old size in five months, and she learned eight years of primary schooling in six months of neuro-programming.

He sipped his port. “What she doesn’t have is all the people and experiences that develop a teenager’s mind: family, friends, schoolmates, or any memories of childhood or adolescence. She has none except the cloning hatchery and the mercenary training camp.

“In addition, clones are brainwashed into slavish devotion to a specific role, usually dangerous or low-paid jobs, like uranium miner, landmine sweeper, garbage picker, or prostitute.”

“But Lorraine’s different. She’s the first of her kind, an elite combat soldier,” Clara said.

“Yes, a soldier who can get killed without any pensions or payments to a surviving family,” Father Markham said. “She’s the perfect expendable human. Sorry, non-human.”

He shook his head. “Have we come to this: creating people just so they can kill? Or just so they can die?”

“You were a military chaplain,” Clara said. “Is creating a clone any worse than recruiting and conscripting people into the military, where they may also be forced to kill or die?”

“No, that’s different,” Markham said. “Society considers natural-born people to be human, and they keep all the rights of a human being and citizenship when they join the military. They have the free will that God gave them. Even a conscript can disobey orders that are illegal. I told my soldiers that it was their duty to refuse any orders that violate the laws of armed conflict.”

He put down his glass. “We treat clones differently. They have no human rights, and they don’t have any rights of citizenship. And we neuro-program, brainwash, and train them so they won’t have any free will, just an urge to obey us.”

“Not Lorraine,” Clara said. “She escaped from the mercenary training camp because she wanted a different life.”

“She resisted her programming and training,” said Markham. “Something must have gone wrong in the factory.”

“Perhaps,” said Clara. “She got some rather intense training, though. I’m amazed that she hasn’t attacked us.”

Father Markham grinned. “She came here on Victoria Day, when I was wearing my medals for the parade. I must have imprinted on her mind as a military officer, and therefore, a commander.

“But she hears voices that aren’t there, so I don’t know how long I can control her.”

Monday, January 17, 2011

Writer's Rules For Villains

Rules for Antagonists, Villains, etc.





A long while ago, the friend of mine who writes Masks came up with a contest for Rules for Superheroes. It was cute, and genre-specific.



But I always like a smart enemy to go with my protagonists. Preferably, someone who thinks ahead.  So, I have Rules for Antagonists.  Be they killers in murder mysteries, archvillains in comic books, or your basic takeover the world types in science fiction and fantasy, this should be their playbook.





Rule #1: NEVER. TOUCH. THE GIRLFRIEND.  It only pisses them off.



Drazen's Corollary: While abducting the significant other / close relation of your archrival in order to lure him/her into your sinister trap, it will only serve to piss them off.  Your normally docile hero, who tends towards nonlethal force, will seriously consider thrashing you to within an inch of your life, and--if no sidekicks are there to enforce restraint--might go three inches beyond that.



Parker's Corollary on Drazen: If you MUST lure them anywhere, use the standard busload of children chosen at random--it will typically serve to get the required effect, especially with a note to the local media sources and/or police agencies.  Should you do this in a city with a high protagonist population (eg: Marvel's New York), be certain to request the hero of your choice: otherwise you get all of them.





Rule #2. Don't gloat. The amount of time it takes for you to boast, and threaten, and deliver your well-practiced maniacal laughter, someone you overlooked will have unplugged your weapon / unlocked the handcuffs on the prisoners / otherwise screwed up your plans.  Gloat after you've won. (Also: See rule 7)



Fletcher's Corollary: Overlook no one. Seriously, if you're going to take over the world / kill someone / unleash a diabolical scheme, no one is unimportant. Witnesses will provide evidence. Just because it's some nobody in the background asking questions doesn't mean there's no threat—people in the background tend to observe a lot.



Goldfinger's Corollary: Never use the line, "Because you are all about to die anyway, I will tell you all about my evil plan."  This includes all variations on this theme.





Rule #3: Avoid patterns. No matter how comfortable you are with a certain places / style / or MO, repeating it on a constant loop will only serve to have the authorities find you.







Rule #4: Wear gloves during your crimes. If possible, wear a full body suit to prevent fingerprints, hairs, or skin cells from being left behind.



Grissom's Corollary For Killers: This includes keeping souvenirs.







Rule #5: Don't let ideology govern your tactics. Just because your ideology says that your enemy is inferior doesn't make them stupid.



Tarkin's Corollary. Underestimating your enemies will get you killed.



Thrawn's Corollary on Tarkin: Underestimating your allies will also get you killed.





Rule #6: Suicide bombers have never won a war, or even a battle. It only wastes experienced soldiers. Even disposable foot soldiers are not infinite. Minions do not grow on trees.



Zahn's Corollary: Unless you have a cloning unit for disposable foot-soldiers.



Von Doom's (PhD) Corollary on Zahn:  Or you build your own.





Rule #7 (or Rule 2, Expanded): If you have a chance to remove the adversary from the playing field on a permanent basis, do so. Do not lecture them, explain your scheme, or toy with them. Shoot them in the head, and move on.



Stark's Corollary: Also, do not wound them so they can still be useful to you. If they can be useful to you, they can also hurt you.



Ming's Corollary on Stark: Your enemy can be useful to you – dead. Examples are usually better that way.







Rule #8: If you cannot see the hero, worry.



Murphy's Corollary: If you cannot see your adversary, s/he is behind you.







Rule #9: No self destruct mechanisms, unless they are password protected, and require the passwords of at least three of your closest allies.  And confirmed by you. Twice.







Rule #10: Plan ahead.  You have all the time in the world to unleash your deadly plot on the world, or execute your crime.  Take appropriate precautions, and don't assume that everything will go according to plan.  If your plan is perfect, you're missing something.  Murphy is always right.



Palpatine's Corollary: If you are going to invite your enemies to come into range of your ultimate weapon, make sure that it's finished first.







Rule #11: No time travel. You don't have enough aspirin in the world to deal with the headache it will cause.



Doctor's Corollary: Unless you have a blue box.

 



 

Rule #12: Whatever psychological problems you have, make sure that you utilize them well.



Wilson's Corollary: Don't suffer from madness.  Enjoy every minute of it.







Rule #13: When your adversary is incapacitated, on the floor, at your mercy, it is not the time to (a) exercise your creativity in designing Rube Goldberg-esque death traps (b) write your monologue or (c) start gloating.  The answer is (d) shoot them in the head and move on.