CNN News Article: WE HAVE A POPE!
NEW PONTIFF, ARCHBISHOP KUTJOK, THE FIRST AFRICAN POPE
This week, history was made as the Roman Catholic church's conclave ended with the election of the first African Pope.
Long criticized as an organization of old white men, the move was heralded by some as “inspired by the recent election of Barack Obama,” the first black President of the United States.
“We thought nothing of the kind,” one Irish Cardinal, James McFee, said. “He was simply the best qualified for the position, considering all of his policies and his history. The other possibilities were good choices, but at the end of the day, the two-thirds vote was relatively easy.”
Cardinal-Archbishop Kutjok has long been a floating Cardinal. Due to his speeches against genocide in the Sudan city of Darfur, he had been long exiled in Uganda, Sudan's next door neighbor.
Catholic scholars have long waited for this type of change they could believe in. “Obviously, this is God's choice,” said Cary Willis, an academic from the University of William and Mary, and the author of I Am Too A Catholic. “Africa is a nation with ideals that are far advanced of anything the Church has done since Vatican II,” he said. “We are expecting numerous theological advances, such as the church finally acknowledging the usefulness of Birth control, the ordination of women, and other ideals that will bring them into the 21st century.”
Other priests are expecting marriage to become available. “It's the only logical step,” said Fr. Jim Morris, a priest who left the church in order to be with his homosexual lover. “In Africa, the Russian Orthodox missionaries is winning them over easily—if only because their priests can make love.”
In other cases.....
***************************************************************
Memo
From: Joshua Kutjok, SJ [Pope@vatican.va]
To: Msgr. Xavier O'Brien, SJ
RE: The Media.
Are these people illiterate or just stupid? Ready the press releases.
*********************************************************
FIRST PUBLIC STATEMENT.
POPE PIUS XIII, VATICAN PRESS OFFICE.
To start with, the Holy See would like to correct some speculation floating in the media ether.
“I can guarantee,” the Pope says, “that the United States' election of Barack Obama had little, if anything, to do with my election. The world did not care about Obama's skin tone when he was elected, and I can assure you that we in Africa stopped caring as soon as it was clear he would do nothing to lend aid to those of us in the Sudan were being butchered like cattle.
“I must also offer some corrections to the universally inaccurate coverage by the world news services. I was raised in Uganda, growing up under the reign of the cannibal and dictator Idi Amin. A person whose country the United Nations put on the Commission for Human Rights. When I was assigned to the Sudan as an Archbishop, I was soon chased out not because of Darfur, but because of the massive genocide the Islamic Arabs of the North have waged against the Southern provinces for nearly thirty years. The narrow minded of the press should keep in mind that Darfur, while horrific, it only yet another episode of a three-decade war.
“To correct Cary Willis, I have always been a proponent of the traditions of the Church. In a land where AIDS is an epidemic, and his ideas of birth control unreliable, I have always supported abstinence. And I will support the ordination of women once there is no part of the world that sees women as disposable. And I will not invite him to dinner until he stops sending the press office a request every other day. ”
The Holy See would also like to announced that the new Pontiff has selected a name, Pope Pius XIII. The last Pope of that name reigned from 1939-1958. To explain his choice, he said, “Like my predecessor, I, too, have a mission to save lives from a mechanism of death, which seeks to ‘purify’ a country and its neighbors through the use of murder. Like Eugenio Pacelli, who took the Papal name Pius XII, I will put all of my energies toward ending the murder and slavery in the Sudan, as he did to save the Jews of Europe during the dark years of the Nazi infestation. Pius XII saved over eight hundred thousand of Jesus’ blood brothers; I hope that it can be done once again in the land of my birth. To commemorate this mission, I will start the proceedings to canonize Eugenio Pacelli.”
CNN: POPE TO GAYS AND WOMEN, DROP DEAD
CONTROVERSIAL NEW PONTIFF, POPE PIUS XIII, SAYS “NOTHING NEW”
In a move that was deemed insulting to the world, the new Pope has taken the name Pius XIII. The last pope to take the name of Pius has been accused of everything from ignoring the Holocaust, helping the Nazis commit the Holocaust, to being the sole and primary promoter of the Holocaust. It was the Church's behavior during World War II that prompted the nickname of “the Panzer Pope” for Benedict XVI the same afternoon as his election.
CNN has talked to numerous reputed scholars in the area of studying the World War II pontiff. “He all but publicly endorsed the Holocaust,” Sr. Josephine Barbiary, a noted British historian, says. “Jews were marched out from under his very windows, and he said nothing,” added her husband, Fr. Peter Kane. “How can anyone lionize such a pathetic coward?”
Scholar Cary Willis, who wrote the book Cardinal Sins, and other Church Missteps, told our reporters that, “The Pope said nothing to support the Jews from the stat of the war to the end of the war, to say otherwise is an outright lie.”
The government of Sudan has also taken offense at the slanders Pius XIII has lodged against them, calling the statement of the Pope “a collection of lies” and the Church “an unnatural entity.”
In media outlets around the globe.......
FOX NEWS: NEW POPE MAKES STAND FOR HUMAN RIGHTS
POPE PIUS XIII STARTS WITH A BANG
In a move that was a tactical masterstroke, Pope Pius XIII announced not only his stand on religious doctrine, but on the Sudan, Darfur, and his plans for the next year.
Dr. Yusufu Adrisi, a refugee from Sudan now living in America, praised the Pope for his correction of the media. “To talk of the holocaust and the plight of the Sudanese Christians is only accurate. We have been persecuted on and off for over twenty-five years. Over two million people have died, many of them years before anyone had heard of a town called Darfur. No one has come to help us then, but Pius XIII has come to help us now.”
Pope Pius XIII has also announced an expansion of his canonization goals to Popes Pius IX, and XI, who had been given “obviously undeserved labels” of anti-Semites. According to the Vatican Press Release announcing this goal, “In the nineteenth century, Pius IX had sheltered and supported Jews in the Papal States and elsewhere. In the 1930s, Pius XI had condemned the Fascists and the Communists in the same week, equating the two evils as evils. ”
The statement of Pius XIII's canonization goals was relayed by the new Cardinal Secretary of State, Vietnamese priest Pierre Nguyen Van Nho, a former Vincentian missionary into the People’s Republic of China, where his odds of survival if caught had been negligible, at best.
In addition to the Popes Pius, other canonization procedures are under way. One process is to make a Patron Saint of Spies of American Dr. Thomas Dooley, a full-time doctor and a sometime spy for the US government in Vietnam.
However, between canonizing Pius XII and Dooley, and appointing Cardinal Van Nho, there has been word that the PRC and the People’s Republic of North Korea has the uncomfortable idea that the new Pope also has them on his short list of things to do. Some policy makers have claimed that, if the canonized Pope John Paul II could topple the Soviet Empire in under ten years, a younger man like Kutjok—at 52, with more energy and time on his hands—could do far more damage to the two dictatorships.
This press release was launched the week after the announcement that one of the Rothchilds had accepted the invitation to run the Vatican bank.
Also, in a first-strike move to deliver shock and awe into the hearts of all of the Catholic critics, he gave them exactly what many of them had wanted: elections. He agreed to allow the election of Bishops in the countries that had a long history of popular participation—France, Britain, the USA, Ireland, and Canada—on the condition that the elected were ordained priests, and that the Church of Rome had final ratification. Each Parish had sent a parishioner, elected with some clerical humor on the Feast of Christ the King, to the Episcopal consistory. There, behind locked doors, with frequent reference to the dossiers of every priest in their diocese, they designated the “coadjutor with right of succession” to the present Bishop. In rare dioceses with sharp factions leading to no conclusion, Rome appointed an outsider in the interests of peace and unity.
However, many opponents of Pius XIII's stated policies claim that the election was unfair, that the announcement was made not in the news media, but in the churches themselves. One priest, who wishes anonymity, replies to those charges, saying that “Since the enemies of Pius XIII haven’t gone to church since 1965, they never knew the elections happened; tough luck. If you don't show up, you don't count. The 45% of Catholics who regularly go to church were the ones who voted. By the time the critics had appreciated the significance of the elections, they were over, leaving them without an argument—they had gotten their elections, but they had failed to show up, and so failed to get the outcome they wanted. And now they can't complain because Pius has given them what they had been demanding for decades.”
This, some have claimed, have made the Bishops far more political, and more right-wing than ever.
The move to canonize Dr. Thomas A. Dooley also gave the more radical Left something to chew on, and provoke heartburn. He had been an anti-Communist spy, a CIA fellow-traveler in Vietnam in the 1950s, but he was also rumored to have been actively homosexual...on the other hand, he seemed to be celibate for most, if not all, his life.
In a move seemingly designed to scare New York City, the Bishop of Brooklyn and the Archbishop of New York had all their Catholic school principals have their students register for Public Schools. They discussed the idea that Catholic citizenry should not be double taxed for education—paying for Catholic school, as well as paying taxes for public schools they wouldn’t send their child near. The Private School Voucher Relief Bill was passed in thirty days through the NY legislature. Repeated nationwide to similar effect, vouchers made Lutheran, Torah, and Home Schools solid supporters of the Papacy overnight.
All of that had been dumped on the press one Monday morning, and the press had been reeling from the information overload ever since.
No comments:
Post a Comment